Ssssssshhh!!!

I work in an office 40 hours a week. There are, of course, perks and drawbacks—ok, more drawbacks than perks. It’s certainly enjoyable to spend the day in an office where the others are fun and possess common sense (a rarity these days it seems). Still, some things I simply detest.

Now I’m not being cynical or negative—no matter who you are, you’re always going to experience things you just can’t stand, whether it be at home or at work or with friends or even with a boyfriend/girlfriend. You bitch about it or you can suck it up. Because I’m bored and I feel like writing, I’ll bitch.

The thing that I absolutely hate more than anything while working in the office is when people whisper. There it is. I said it. Whispering.

The cause of this disposition is due to my paranoia: I always sense that they’re talking about me. This causes me to also listen in to the conversation. Though I only recognize key words here and there, I always discover that though they’re never talking about me, they’ve now made me a pest for listening in to their conversations…and I hate that. They’re almost always talking about people from other branches or venting about my boss—never about me. I’ve been told that everyone in the office simply “loves Rick” (or “Ricky,” like many of them call me), but I still can’t shake off the fact that their whispering may one day be about me (assuming it already hasn’t).

Batman Movies

If you know me, you know that I love Batman--I have since I was a young kid. The various filmic interpretations of Batman through the years are vast. Looking back, many of them deem unnecessary, for they’re simply not good. Some of them, are excellent. Here’s my review of Batman’s feature film past.

Batman: The Movie (1966)
3/10

This film (along with the earlier television show) was one of many adaptations that completely ruined the Batman legacy. Trust me, the older comics in the 1940s were nothing like this. One can appreciate the cheesy yet interesting villains at times (for what they were), but both Batman and Robin are too unbearable. Did anyone at the time find Robin’s dialogue clever and/or entertaining?
The scene where they’re climbing up a ladder over the water and a shark jumps up is classic though.


Interesting Tidbit: There’s a photo somewhere of me in the original Batmobile taken at a mall when I was probably around 8 years old. Even though this movie sucked, I still felt like I was sitting in a king’s thrown.

BatQuiz:
What is the best line of dialogue from this film?

A) The Penguin: Careful! Every one of them's got a mother.
B) Batman: Bon Voyage, Pussy.
C) Batman: What has yellow skin and writes?
Robin: A ball-point banana!
Batman: What people are always in a hurry?
Robin: Rushing people... Russians!
Batman: So this means...
Robin: Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana and break their neck!
Batman: Precisely, Robin!
D) Batman: Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder...
Commissioner Gordon: You mean where there's a fish there could be a penguin?
Robin: But wait! It happened at sea... Sea. C for Catwoman!
Batman: Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...
Commissioner Gordon: The Joker!
Chief O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle... Riddle-R. Riddler!

Batman (1989)
7/10
It’s my firm belief that one is a true Batman fan if he/she reads the comics/graphic novels. You can easily tell if one has ever read them by their opinion of Tim Burton’s film. Most hardcore fans hate it.

I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt though for nostalgic purposes: I grew up watching this film; therefore it’s still special to me. The film’s art direction and costumes are exceptional and Danny Elfman’s score is the greatest musical accompaniment to any superhero film ever. Michael Keaton is a great Bruce Wayne, though only a decent Batman.
On the other hand, Jack Nicholson is way too old to play the Joker. He does well with the material, but doesn’t fit the part. The story is weak, and like most Batman fans, I can’t stand the fact that the Joker killed Batman’s parents.
Prince is incredible. He can play 109223 instruments, and I’ve heard he puts on the best live show ever. Does this mean that his songwriting contributions are good or appropriate for this film? Not in the least--releasing a song called ‘Batdance’ is borderline insanity.
The movie gets nostalgic and originality points, but as a Batman film, doesn’t treat the source material with respect. It just looks cool.

Interesting Tidbit: I also sat in the Batmobile from this film, which is arguably the best Batmobile. They wouldn’t let me snap a picture without paying a fee though. Blah.

Batman Returns (1992)
8/10

It follows the same path as its predecessor, but adds more style, charm, and a slightly better story. The problem is that the villains are more interesting than the protagonist! Batman’s incredibly flat, while Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman is probably the best live-action Batman villain (pre-Batman Begins). Christopher Walken's pretty creepy in it too.

Interesting Tidbit: I met Danny Devito the year this movie was released. As a kid, I was honored to have met The Penguin!! I almost met Jack Nicholson, but the man wouldn’t leave his heated trailer. Asshole. In the long run, it was good for me, for I would have likely pissed my pants with excitement to have met the Joker. Michael Keaton’s from Pittsburgh, but I’ve never met him.

BatQuiz:
Due to Michelle Pfieffer’s costume, what should Batman Returns' rating be?
a) R
b) NC-17
c) Unrated
d) a newly developed rating warning teenage boys of “possible boners”

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
9/10
If you hate Mask of the Phantasm, there's something wrong. How can one hate this cartooned-Batman that was surprisingly on par with the Animated Series, AND better than any of the 1990s live action films?
Even as a kid, I figured out the weak plot twist, but that still didn’t take away from the excellent story (what? An actual story you say?) and exciting new characters.
I also could never figure out why everyone praised Nicholson’s Joker, but never commented on Mark Hamill’s fantastically demented vocal acting. I see Mark Hamill as the perfect Joker way before seeing him as the perfect Skywalker.

Batman Forever (1995)
3/10
As a kid, I felt so cool jamming the soundtrack on my stereo with everyone from R. Kelly to U2 to the Flaming Lips making an appearance. Unfortunately, looking back, this movie should have never been made. Joel Shumacher can direct films, but he shouldn’t be allowed to utter the word “Batman,” let alone direct two films.

It was wise to try something different: Tim Burton’s darkness replaced by hundreds of thousands of elaborate colors resembles a comic book. So what doesn’t work? Everything else.
Horrible script; terrible action sequences; embarrassing dialogue; and most of all, embarrassing acting.

BatQuiz:
Where is the only acceptable place to listen to R. Kelly’s “Kiss By a Rose” song?
a) a middle school dance
b) on the radio
c) trapped in a closet
d) anywhere but in this movie

Batman and Robin (1997)
0/10

This is my all-time least favorite movie. Not solely “Batman movie” mind you. Movie. Ever. I don’t even want to write about it. They could have filmed a dog defacating into a jar and called it a Batman movie and that still would have been better than this.
I DID watch special features on the DVD, only to hear with my own ears Joel Schumacher apologizing to Batman fans for making this atrocity. At least he’s honest about his mistakes. Horrible, horrible film.

BatQuiz:
What would you rather do on a Saturday Night?
a) watch ‘Batman and Robin’ with some friends
b) gouge your eyes out
c) taser your new pet puppy
d) blow up your own house

Batman Beyond: The Return of the Joker (2000)
8/10

If only this one got more attention. It’s just so good. It’s the futuristic version of the Batman story which takes place long after Bruce Wayne has retired. The Batman Beyond series could have been a disaster, but the animation, stories, and original villains sold me. At times I enjoy Terry McGinnis even more so than Bruce Wayne. I would not mind at all if writers, artists and/or filmmakers chose to concentrate on this character more in the future.

Batman Quiz:
Who is one of the all-time hottest/coolest cartoon characters?
a) Terry McGinnis
b) Terry McGinnis
c) Terry McGinnis
d) Both a, b, and c

Batman Begins (2005)
9/10

Finally, a filmmaker understands Batman! I trust Christopher Nolan with whatever filmmaking decision he makes in the future.
Bruce Wayne’s back-story, the cinematography, the villains, and the whole tone are incredible. Even though partway through the film I thought, “Liam Neeson would probably make a better Ra’s Al Ghoul,” I still didn’t foresee the plot twist!
The film is perfectly casted (with the lone exception of Katie Holmes) and has the perfect tone for a Batman film.
My only minor, minor complaints are the following:
1. The Scarecrow needed slightly more screen time.
2. The villain’s name is actually pronounced “Raish,” and not “Ras” like it’s spelled (Ra’s). Pointing this out makes me feel like a loser AND a dork.
3. Bruce Wayne shouldn’t have a love interest. Actually, with the exception of a few villains, there really shouldn’t be any female characters in Batman films. The Batman legacy is a sausagefest. Bruce Wayne can’t have a girlfriend, because he’s no longer “Bruce Wayne!” He’s Batman. As soon as he makes this decision, the mask he wears is the lone, woman-loving millionaire, and his true self appears when he puts on the suit.

BatQuiz:
FILL IN THE BLANK:

The main characteristic that separates Morgan Freeman from every other lead actor in this movie is that he’s also highly accomplished N_ _ _ _ _ _ R.





ANSWER: Narrator (see “Shawshank Redemption,” “Million Dollar Baby,” “War of the Worlds,” “March of the Penguins”), besides being a damn awesome actor.

Batman vs. Dracula: The Animated Movie (2005)
4/10

I caught this one right before I left my job at a video store years ago. Why they thought this concept was a good idea, I have no clue.
The animation is based on “The Batman” animated series. It’s by no means equivalent to Batman Beyond or The Animated Series, for as a 20-something, I can’t get into it. It’ll only appeal to young kids and ridiculously committed fans.
In this movie, Dracula wrecks havoc on Gotham City. Why’d they pick Dracula? Granted, yes, he’s an intelligent, high-class villain in general, but there’s a plethora of DC villains to choose from.
Some of the animation IS fun to watch though, and given its story, this one could have been a lot worse.

BatQuiz:
Besides Dracula and the Mad Hatter, what other literary villains should Batman be pitted against?
a) Frankenstein
b) Moby Dick
c) A Random slave owner from A Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
d) The Mechanical Hound from Fahrenheit 451

Gotham Knight (2008)
7/10

Similar to the AniMatrix, this consists of six original stories all written and animated by separate collaborators. The end result is a unique mashup of Japanese-styled animation and clever stories. For a similar literary experience, I’d recommend Batman: Black and White.
This feature is stylish, though I wish they could have done more with the actual stories. Perhaps if each segment was a bit longer, I would have enjoyed it more. Still, I definitely liked it, and would’t complain if they released a “Gotham Knight II” sometime in the future.

The Dark Knight (2008)
10/10


So perfect, I had to go back and adjust Batman Begins' score, for if that movie's a 10/10, this is a 12/10. Perfect. Everything. They don't have to make another Batman movie...though I'm sure they will.