Lesbos

The beautiful volcanic Greek island of Lesbos, located in the North Aegean Sea, is the home of approximately 100,000 people. Its rocky beaches provide scenic spots for submarine fishing; the island’s rich cultivation of olive trees successfully stimulates the economy through the selling of olive oil; and the stunningly beautiful capital of Mytilene houses the island’s official football team, the Aiolikos. This island would be a truly perfect paradise…if it weren’t for all the damn Lesbians.

The island is completely filled with Lesbians. Now before any drunken frat brothers begin celebrating, one must first understand that the term “Lesbian” is what the people of Lesbos refer to themselves as. So every Lesbo citizen is a Lesbian. As one can easily imagine, problems are bound to arise.

According to Yahoo News, three islanders are currently suing the ‘Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece’ due to the organization’s use of the word ‘lesbian’ in their title. One plaintiff claims that it "insults the identity" of the people of Lesbos. "My sister can't say she is a Lesbian," said Dimitris Lambrou. "Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos." he said. The Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece has sadly not issued an apology yet to Dimitris’ sister.

If the Gay/Lesbian Community hasn’t embarrassed them enough, the island is also the prime tourist spot for Lesbian (gay) couples. Gay women first “steal” their name, AND THEN they help stimulate the economy with thousands of dollars spent on tourism. The nerve! So basically the island’s chief economic stimulants are both olive oil and gay women. Soon they’ll find some reason to be pissed at olive oil too. (It’ll probably have something to due to their genuine hatred of oil lamps.)

These will be outlawed soon enough. Give it time.

I believe that the people of Lesbos are simply just craving some attention from the rest of the world. Their island has been trapped in the closet for too long…they have pride in their heritage, and not only do they want everyone in world to know, but they also want to shove it in our faces. They have an agenda: they demand that others learn their Lesbian history, and it seems that one easy way to accomplish this is to protest a politically correct term used in an organization’s name.

On the other hand, there are many islanders who don’t possess this natural “pride.” Too many insecure people inhabit this island—people who don’t want others to learn of their true Lesbianism. They obviously feel ashamed. Even though poet Sappho (a Lesbian in more ways than one) helped put this island on the map back in 7th Century BC, they still don’t want others to know their “secret”…the “secret” being the island, of course. If these bashful people don’t take action soon, then the world (as close-minded as it is) will not hear the true voices of Lesbos!

In order to help these shameful Lesbo citizens, I propose that they view this video, which shows what they must do when someone is prejudice towards their heritage:

Pittsburgh: Now We're the Most Polluted City!

Look at that city! Beautiful, isn't it? According to scientists, it's disgusting.

Reported by TIME and ABC News, Pittsburgh is now hailed as the most polluted city in the United States, beating out Los Angeles for the first time. YEAH!!! We won at something!!!

This is honestly surprising. Pittsburgh fifty years ago would surely make the top of the list with all of the old steel mills and such--but those were black and white picture days. Now??! ABC News indicates that it’s the "short-term particle solution" that’s causing all of the trouble in Pittsburgh. It’s embarrassing: we’re not only a town full of alcoholics and football maniacs, but now we’re dirty too!

Rest assured though, because hidden in the ABC News article, I found the actual source of our so-called “pollution problem”:

“Although much of the country may have a stereotype of Pittsburgh as a blue collar, steel mill town, Leikauf says that's no longer the case. According to him, more than 80 percent of western Pennsylvania's particulate matter actually drifts from Ohio power plants.”

There you have it! OUR pollution problem is OHIO’s fault. I’m not a football fan by any means (I haven't watched a game in years), but I am familiar with the rivalry between the Cleveland Browns and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Obviously the Ohio fans have taken the rivalry to heart, for now they’re trying to kill us with their “particulate matter.” If they can’t beat us, they’ll kill us I tell you.

Oh the city celebrated THEN...but the Cleveland fans will have the last laugh.

The Infamous Presidential Race

Journalists, political analysts, the media, and presidential candidates alike all promised the American people, last March, that the deciding state in the competitive Democratic candidate race would come down to Pennsylvania. We (the American people) believed it. On this extensive, six-week road to “victory,” candidates coped with everything from religious controversies, to sniper fantasies, to “bitter” arguments, to negative television ads, to inevitable endorsements (unfortunately Barack Obama got stuck with Michael Moore’s endorsement). What laid ahead of us at the end of this prized road to victory? Absolutely nothing.

Both candidates are still running. The race is still close. Hillary Clinton certainly benefited with a few extra points, but most agree that Obama will still emerge victorious. Nothing has changed, yet millions of Pennsylvanians left the confines of their homes to scuttle out and vote on April 22nd. What happened? What factors influenced Democratic voters through this elongated primary season? The issues? The policies? The promises? It certainly doesn’t seem so. At an Obama rally at the Peterson Events Center in Pittsburgh, Obama himself even admitted, “Senator Clinton and I really aren’t that different. We have many of the same ideas for this country.” When examining their policies, this appears true.

So if both candidates are so similar, how can one explain that, according to both CNN and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, over 60% of Hillary supporters would be angry if Obama got the nomination; 27% of them would vote for McCain instead; while 17% would refused to vote all together. Almost half of Obama’s supporters express similar statements about Senator Clinton, and 17% outright refuse to vote for her if she wins the primary (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/22/pennsylvania-exit-polls-p_n_98069.html). Granted, by the time October and November roll around, numerous Democrats will no longer be sore losers, and many will change there minds (as long as they aren’t the ones who still flaunt their 2004 Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers…REALLY sore losers), but it’s still interesting that both candidates’ views are so similar, yet their supporters tend to hate the opposing Democratic contender. Are voters examining the candidates’ ideas, or are they merely judging them by their physical features: race, gender, looks, etc? I go with the latter.

We live in an age where looks mean everything. Even with a contest like ‘American Idol,’ people tend to vote for whoever looks the best or has the most endearing personality…rather than a vote for the most talented (with the exception of Kelly Clarkson, who has proven that she possesses all of these qualities). The same can be said with the presidential campaign. Think about it: Hillary Clinton is sixty years old. She can get a senior discount on the Denny’s menu for peat’s sake! Everyone would agree that she looks really great for her age, but imagine if she had gray hair, wrinkles, and donned more conservative apparel—would she garner as many votes? Even if she wore a dress instead of a female business casual outfit everyday would she receive as many votes? Probably not, because she’d look too feminine, and throughout history, the presidential role has always been a male role—especially today, when it seems that most Americans want someone who’s tough.

Though it seems she did forget to take her old lady meds in this photo.

Now the media and everyday people continue to note that it’s so great and “unprecedented” that we have a white woman and a black man running for president. My argument is simply this: who cares!?!

If anything, we should be ashamed that it’s taken us this long to have a woman and a black man so close to being sworn in to office. A woman leading the country is an incredibly new idea—right? Well, Margaret Thatcher became the United Kingdom’s Prime Minister in 1979. Yes, 1979-almost thirty years ago. Canada also had a female Prime Minister…in 1993. Iceland was ruled by its female president, Vigdis Finnbogadottir, for sixteen years. Han Myung Sook was South Korea’s Prime Minister two years ago. New Zealand possessed a female prime minister for almost ten years. Benazir Bhutto was prime minister of Pakistan from 1988-1990 and 1993-1996. Mary Robinson and Mary McAleese both served as president of Ireland throughout the 1990s. Tarja Kaarina Halonen became Finland’s president in 2000. Golda Meir was the prime minister of Israel in the late 1960s (interestingly enough she was originally from Milwaukee), and India has a current female leader in President Pratibha Patil. I shouldn’t even mention the hundreds of years of queens, empresses, and monarchies throughout England, Italy, Denmark, Netherlands, Egypt, Spain, Japan, Sri Lanka, Russia, Scotland, Brazil, Sweden, Cambodia, and many others. What’s the point? The point is that our country thrives itself on being a world leader, yet when it comes to race, gender, sexuality, and females leading the country, we’re far behind the rest of the world (with the exception of Saudi Arabia). Should we celebrate the possibility of a female president? No, we should be embarrassed that there hasn’t been one yet.

-

Even the Enterprise had a female captain!

Now Mr. Obama, he’s obviously a black man. If it were 1955 and he was running for President, THEN I’d probably make a big deal about it and celebrate the fact that a black man can run for president---not in 2008 though. They say we’ve come a long way, but it doesn’t quite seem so if we’re making a big deal about race (maybe THIS is what his Pastor was talking about (when he wasn't talking crazy)). Twenty percent of Pennsylvania voters determined race as an important factor in their vote (http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/04/22/exit-polls-race-gender-play-role/). Even though I can clearly understand why many black voters would feel pride in voting for the black man, and they should, but there’s more to the picture than that. Can most of these voters describe his policies? His beliefs? What about Hillary Clinton’s policies and beliefs, because remember, one SHOULD examine both sides before making an informed decision. Do most of these voters know what Hillary Clinton’s healthcare plan is? How about Senator Obama’s? In case you don’t know, both plans are nearly identical—even Clinton admitted that, "ninety-five percent of our health care plan is similar."

Both candidates want to reform immigration similarly. Both have plans of spending over $150 billion dollars towards energy through the next ten years. Both have parallel ideas with the current housing problem, along with education, retirement, foreign policy, and taxes. So should voters factor in the candidates’ personalities? Of course they should—that’s probably what the Indiana and North Carolina votes are going to come down to. But there should also be more concern with what these candidates actually believe in.

It’s going to come down to one person representing the Democrats in November. Since both candidates are so similar, why turn to the other side like so many voters claim they will do? Grow up. Don’t s base an opinion solely on race or gender; base it on who can run the country better. After seeing both Barack Obama and President Bill Clinton speak, I safely say that there isn’t a “bad” candidate.

Awwwwe!!

Kiss Me! I'm an Irish Milkshake!

It’s that time of the year again folks. Of course I’m talking about the infamous Shamrock Shakes that are now available at local (select) McDonalds! Nothing says “Happy Saint Patrick’s Day” like a taste of this delicious seasonal drink!

I wait all year for these refreshing green drinks. Now if you’ve never tasted a Shamrock shake before (shame on you), let me take it upon myself to answer the three most frequently asked questions a Shamrock virgin has about these Irish treats:

Question 1: Do they taste good?

A: Are you serious? Who cares! They’re GREEN! Who cares what they taste like? Everything in the world that’s good is green: money, trees, this blog. So YES, they’re good! Even the vomiting that you’ll inevitability experience afterwards tastes like “green.”

Question 2: Are they made of real shamrocks by real leprechauns?

A: You betcha. Leprechauns undoubtedly invented the shamrock flavor, which the current population refers to as the “mint” flavor. They sold their flavor exclusively to the McDonalds Corporation in 1971. This unfortunately caused such atrocities as this ad:

This ad also proved that the leprechauns sold all musical rights concerning the Shamrock Shake to McDonalds too. That’s unfortunate, for the previous Shamrock Shake theme was a drinking song titled, “Ye God Bless Shamrock Shite.”

In 1998 McDonalds voted on relocating their Shamrock shakes entirely to the country of Ireland, and this is why these zesty treats are only available in “select” McDonalds locations. This is an atrocity and a shame. The McDonalds Corporation is obstructing our American right to celebrate Saint Patricks Day properly.

Because McDonalds now doesn’t offer these miraculous Irish beauties in all stores, I’ve supplied the drink’s recipe for you to make on your own. Drink this as a “fuck you” to McDonalds:

2 cups of vanilla ice cream
1 1/3 cups of 2% low-fat milk or soy milk
¼ teaspoon of leprechaun blood
8 drops of shamrock flavoring

Question 3: Can you get drunk off of shamrock shakes?

A: Yes. My first ever real drinking experience was in high school. My friends and I visited a McDonalds on St. Patricks Day because we were too young to visit the local Irish pub. After all four friends spit out their Shamrock Shakes proclaiming, “this tastes like shit,” I took it upon myself to drink all of their Shamrock shakes within a 20 minute time span. I bet my friends that I could get drunk off of them, but they didn’t believe me. To this day, the worst hangover I’ve ever experienced was due to those Shamrock Shakes. Drink Responsibly kids!

In the end, it’s ridiculous that I have to travel from McDonalds to McDonalds in search of these green splendors!

If only they served them at all McDonalds this time of year, I could get some sweet bitches like this guy (ideally ones over 12 though):

The New Sinus Remedy (caution: somewhat disgusting)

Sinus problems have unfortunately plagued me for the past few years. Though I used to be fine, the annoyingly frequent sinus infections worsened to a point where I’d get a few infections every year—usually accompanying a cold, and usually leaving me bed ridden. Different medicines and antibiotics have been prescribed through the past two years or so, but none have offered me any substantial success…so you can imagine my reaction when, last week, instead of prescribing me another worthless pill, my doctor brought a plastic transparent bottle and some packets of powder into the examining room for me to take home.
“Now I don’t recommend this to everyone, but you seem like the kind of person who would like this.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Or that’s what I wanted to say. Instead, I happily accepted a new hopeful remedy to my constant sinus problem. He instructed me to read the directions (a booklet of about 25 pages), try it out, and let him know if this works. I tried it out yesterday for the first time and have some news to report.

Though I love reading (I’ve done plenty of it recently), a 25-page instruction booklet was a little ridiculous…that’s not even good bathroom reading material. Instead, I read the condensed instructions printed on the side of the bottle.

Basically this 8oz plastic bottle needs filled with 8oz of distilled, hot water; the packet of powder (the actual medicine) must be poured and mixed in with the water. Now the interesting part: I have to rest one nostril on the bottle opening (it’s shaped to do this) and gently squeeze the bottle of water/medicine while inhaling, until the medication travels up one nasal passage and dispenses itself either out of the other nostril OR out of my mouth. I, obviously, must continue to breathe while doing this or else I’ll drown. After completing this step, I blow my nose into a tissue (though I can’t “pinch” my nose while doing so, or else I’ll “blow out an eardrum”). I repeat these steps for the other nostril, thus utilizing 4oz per nostril. I feel like I’m snorting a liquid version of crack or something.

I was actually uncomfortably excited about trying this, so I boiled some water, poured it in the bottle, mixed the powder in, stood over my sink, and began ingesting this toxin I had just created. Sufficient to say, the 8 ounces of water, the medicine, and plenty of other shit that was clogged up my nasal passage all drained out…either from my mouth or from my nose. And yes, it burned.
It worked though. I have never felt so clear, but I was also woozy as hell, so instead of departing to meet a friend in Oakland like I was supposed to, I was forced to lay down for 20 minutes.

Even though my nasal passage and my throat felt completely clear for once (I honestly couldn’t wait to try this ingenious process again), I discovered an unfortunate side effect later that evening.
After my late afternoon/evening in Oakland, I arrived to my parents’ house and offered to walk one of their dogs, Sofie, the big Burmese Mountain dog. As I leaned over to pet the dog, me AND the dog were both stunned as water and nasal juice quickly shot out of my nose all over the poor dog’s face.
I darted towards the bathroom—leaving a trail of nasal drippage along the way and began covering my nose with tissues. This did very little to help. After going through a couple of tissues, I ran up to examine this instructional booklet I earlier failed to read. I successfully found, “May cause nasal leakage after immediate use” written under “Side Effects.” Nasal leakage? More like a nasal waterfall.
Now I’m nervous as hell. I’m going to be out with friends, or simply out walking the dog, and water will begin to leak out of my face. It’ll be embarrassing, I’m sure; I’m just warning you all.

SUMMER MOVIES!

Ok, so this summer...a new Batman movie...and new Indiana Jones movie...and if that wasn't enough, a new X-Files movie!?!!! Seriously, my entire childhood all smashed into one summer!

The only thing that would make it complete would be a new Jurassic Park, but let's face it, it would probably suck (just like the last two), so I think we're ok.

Plus the new Pixar movie about the robot looks super rad as well!

Rick Makes a New Friend at Target

I had to make a quick stop at Target last week to buy some chapstick and vitamins. I park my car and begin quickly walking towards the store (for it was cold outside) when this random man, fairly young and pretty fit, starts talking to me.
“Hey,” he says.
“Uhh, hi.”
“How’s it going?”
“ummmm, not bad”—I begin walking slightly faster.
“Hey, you want to join the army?” he asks enthusiastically. I seriously thought he was messin’ around, until I notice that he was wearing an army hat and had camouflage pants on…so obviously a recruiter. I haven’t been hassled by army recruiters since high school.
I chuckled as I kept walking. “Haa…no.”
“Come on man! They’ll pay your school costs!” He wasn’t going to let this go.
“I just graduated man; sorry, you’re a few years too late.”
“It’s never too late to serve your country!” He continues to follow me as we’re walking into Target.
Now even though I have total respect for lads and chicks who decide to join the army, there’s no way one could ever convince me to join (seriously, try picturing me fighting. No? That’s right, neither can I -- though I’m sure it would make a great sitcom)…and this fantastic feat was certainly not going to happen in a Target parking lot of all places.
At the same time, I honestly felt guilty. To think, he has to ask younger guys in department store parking lots to completely rethink their life goals and leave everything behind to join the army…they must be really fucking desperate for people. And it’s not his fault if at the end of the week he doesn’t get any new recruits, I mean, the guy’s trying.
I tell him “sorry, but no,” one last time, “but good luck,” and I walk in my separate direction. I was hoping that I wouldn’t run into him again in the store, and luckily I was wearing my camouflage Target gear (a red hoodie), so I could blend in with my surroundings and not be spotted.

My Top Movies from Last Year

Alright, so while hanging out on set today, I had some downtime, so I made my list of Top Ten Favorite Movies of 2007 that I've seen. Granted, there are still some movies that I really want to catch (Control, Lars and the Real Girl, Rescue Dawn, Enchanted, etc), but it's still pretty complete I think.

My Top 10 of 2007

10. The Host
9. No Country for Old Men
8. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
7. 3:10 to Yuma
6. A Mighty Heart
5. Paprika
4. This Film is Not Yet Rated
3. Eastern Promises
2. I'm Not There
#1 There Will Be Blood


Most Disappointing Movies of 2007
1. 300 (seriously people, c'mon)
2. Spiderman 3
3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
4. Zodiac
5. Knocked Up (yes, even though Seth Rogen was about 10 feet from me all day today, I was still really disappointed with this one).

"Christmas is Coming..."

For the past 3 weeks or so, I've been successfully boycotting any store/restaurant with either Christmas decorations up OR Christmas music being played. I strongly urge you all to do the same. Even before Halloween came upon us, Christmas music was "delightfully" being played in department stores. This includes almost every store in the Robinson Twp (and greater Pittsburgh) area.
Unacceptable people. Simply unacceptable.
Luckily for me, I don't need any new clothes...

There's 'Hell' in Hello, but More in Goodbye

I haven’t written anything in awhile, so here it goes.

Pittsburgh summers are usually gray and monotonous, though the past 2/3 months have been rather eventful. Besides working everyday in this miserable office (where I’m currently writing this), I’ve been able to catch up with a lot of friends around town, see a few (rather interesting) shows, play some music w/others, read a few books (though not as many as usual), and just walk around and enjoy the horribly humid air.

As far as movies go, I haven’t really seen too many (my attention span is dwindling at the moment). I HAVE been listening to a lot of music though. I’ve been craving electro dance/electronic sort of stuff, but have also been receiving a heavy dose of shoegaze and
your standard indie pop. Some things never change.
I’ve been reading a lot of travel writing, along with a few select novels (yes, including Harry Potter). The best book has probably been “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh” though. Yeah, I can realllly identify with the main character, though the upcoming movie sounds like they’re really fucking up the plot.

Relationships…..hmmmm ok next subject.

One different activity I’ve been indulging in is drum corps...not playing or anything, just watching and experiencing. I’ll try to write another entry solely about drum corps, but seriously, it’s wicked. I’ve been kind of searching for some kind of subject to possibly make a documentary on in the near future since I’ve gotten back from SAS, and so far, this seems to be the most interesting. There’s this whole world containing thousands of drum corps members and fans, but the whole activity has failed to break it into the mainstream (though if you’re bored this weekend, you can definitely watch the DCI finals on ESPN, PBS). It’s seriously insane (and yes, it generally takes a lot to really impress me).

So school starts in a few weeks, and I’m NOT looking forward to it. I’ll be student teaching, and even though I’ll be at CAPA (Pittsburgh’s performing arts school downtown…which is awesome), I’m still utterly terrified and simply uninterested in completing this semester. I don’t really want to teach… at least high school kids anyways, and that’s upsetting, because I for one believe that one must really desire to teach in order to effectively do the best job. Teachers always just seem so…old. I’m still young! I can’t imagine people calling me ‘Mr. Moslen.’ Ewww. I don’t want that. Luckily I’m double-majoring so I have other options of course. I was kind of hoping to start a graduate degree soon (in another city), but I’ll have to work alittle bit before starting that; not only because I’m planning on moving into my own place later this year, but also because I need to save up for traveling in the future! That or I should just move to Japan and teach English…we’ll see.

This summer I’ve been to Erie, Allentown, Philadelphia, Toledo, LA (after this weekend), and DC/Baltimore for our little SAS reunion last week. Honestly, this past weekend in DC/Baltimore was easily the most enjoyable weekend I’ve had in a long time. I really do miss a lot of people from the Semester at Sea trip. It’s also a shame, because I’m not too sentimental and don’t care for expressing many feelings/emotions out loud, but I really do miss certain people a lot and it’s most difficult to express at times. Though it was a fun weekend, saying goodbye is always the worst. Feeling somewhat depressed at the moment.

Well, after work today I have a 21st birthday party to attend to at least, and still must find time to pack some clothes, for I’ll be leaving for the LA area tomorrow immediately following work. So I’m still sad, but still very excited.


Current listening music: “Neverland” by The Knife