P.S.....Sarah P, John M's VP, spoke at the RNC

I decided to watch the much-hyped acceptance speech of Sarah Palin last night because, hey, The Dark Knight lived up to its hype, so why wouldn’t she? Needless to say I had a great time watching her bash Senator Obama, praise “hockey moms,” and kiss every single Republican’s ass for 40 minutes.

Unfortunately the Republicans are creating an atmosphere where no one can critique them. If someone criticizes John McCain, the Senator instantly cues up his tragic POW story to make the debater feel like shit for questioning his “maverick” qualities. I have news for John McCain fans: He’s not a maverick.

Tom Cruise was Maverick!

The 1972 Ford Maverick Grabber was a Maverick.

The awesome Cedar Point roller coaster, The Maverick, is a Maverick.

He's an old man who should remain a senator at least until he finds a new rich wife to marry (I admit, he’s not a bad senator). I don’t care what one did over 30 years ago, especially when it wasn’t his choice. Bragging about POW camp suffering (as horrible as it is) is equivalent to one bragging about serving in war after being drafted—it isn’t your choice!

“Mr. McCain, your economics plan makes no sense!”
“Back in Hanoi at my camp, we didn’t have tables, chairs, or economics.”
“Mr. McCain, didn’t you lie to the American people by insisting that you wouldn’t run negative ads?”
“As I laid in my empty room, the blood oozing from my head, my captures called me a liar too. They were horrible people. They were Communists. Are you Communist?”

Be nice to people with special needs.

On the other hand, anyone who berates Sarah Palin is obviously sexist.
Here’s my opinion of Sarah Palin: I don’t like her. It has nothing to do with her “lack of experience." As a new college graduate, I’ve come to realize that little to no experience doesn’t and shouldn’t amount to your job qualifications. She’s qualified. Much of the media insist that she can’t run a country AND take care of a large family at the same time, but I disagree. Men and women do it everyday, plus she’ll have others working for her, so again, that’s a harsh critique. My opinion doesn’t surround the fact that she’s already distastefully used her youngest son for special-needs sympathy votes (seriously, during/after her speech they were passing that kid around like a football). It has nothing to do with the fact that she admitted to smoking pot. If anything I think it’s awesome and classy that she admitted that—even though it’s painfully obvious (judging by her kids’ names). She DOES have a biting sense of humor, The pitbull joke? Cclassic Sarah Palin humor that keeps you coming back for more! The fact that she’s “popular” doesn’t bother me either, even though the Republicans pride themselves on her popularity, while other popular candidates are merely “celebrities.”

Governor Palin seems like she could have been a great person—if only she didn’t hang out with the playground bullies. Remember the kids who talked shit on your mom, gave you a wedgie, and bragged about their Nissan-steel lead-safe lunch carrying cases while you were stuck with an plastic GI Joe lunch box with matching thermos? Those were Republicans.

What will the wild-tottin’ governor do about gun control? What will this woman do about equal rights? Gay rights? Didn't think so. She wants to remove sex-educated school programs in public schools…unless they only promote abstinence, because obviously, abstinence-only sex education works, right Sarah?
What will she do with our energy concerns? Ms. Palin claims that she’ll stand up to the oil companies, but McCain’s only oil-based policy gives tax breaks to the major companies. She doesn’t believe in human-caused global warming (poor polar bears)—therefore she doesn’t believe in facts. She believes in lies, for her acceptance speech was filled with them. Not only was her speech filled with inaccurate propaganda, but it contained no substance. There I said it. Call me a sexist. Check out her in-depth description of her 12-year job as mayor:

“Before I became governor of the great state of Alaska I was mayor of my hometown. And since our opponents in this presidential election seem to look down on that experience, let me explain to them what the job involved.
“I guess -- I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities.
“I might add that, in small towns, we don't quite know what to make of a candidate who lavishes praise on working people when they're listening and then talks about how bitterly they cling to their religion and guns when those people aren't listening.”
Rather than providing us with information, she resorts to attack politics AND berates community organizers. Real classy, eh? Community organizers possess great responsibilities, especially when they’re based in dangerous cities. Now as far as her mayoring skills, if she was the mayor of New York, or Chicago, or LA, then I’d have more faith in her, but there are more hairs on John McCain’s head than people in her hometown.

She ended her speech with this line:

“If character is the measure in this election, and hope the theme, and change the goal we share, then I ask you to join our cause. Join our cause and help America elect a great man as the next president of the United States.”

I agree with the Obama camp. The Republicans label the campaign as a “measure of character” because they have no policies to run on. There won’t BE any change. All of these Republicans who walk on stage and endorse the “change” John McCain will surely emit from his old scraggy ass are full of crap. THEY are the reason we need change! They bitch about the current state of Washington politics, but THEY’RE the ones not doing a good job. They’re the reason Washington needs “shaken up.” If they like John McCain so much, why don’t they spend the same amount of energy to fix things on their own? I think the same thing about the Democrats too---they’re not any better.

I don’t understand why I’ve cared about this election so much, but I do, and unfortunately I’m having a problematic time seeing both sides of the picture. I’m usually very bi-partisan and can see both sides of issues, but I’m having a difficult time seeing how John McCain, the man who’s been in the system for 27 years but has nothing to speak of except his Vietnam days, should run the country.
Sarah Palin is like an attractive date—you’re initially taken by her/him, but once you get to know the person, you find that she/he is the same as everyone else…though she does get points for marrying a man with Eskimo heritage. Seriously…we need an Eskimo in the White House. I’m not kidding.

They're gonna be taking over the White House soon.

Hey Kids, Don't Steal Crappy Music!

Prisons are congested with utterly horrible people: rapists, murderers, and now, apparently, bloggers.

Los Angeles resident and active blogger Kevin Cogill was awakened Wednesday, August 28 at gunpoint by five FBI agents. After trashing his house (I presume) and beating him to a pulp (again, just a guess), they took him “downtown.” He now faces three years of prison and a possible civil suit for allegedly posting songs from the new Guns ‘n Roses album, Chinese Democracy (the band deserves prison time for a stupid title like that), on his blog (http://www.antiquiet.com/) last June.

According to the Family Entertainment and Copyright Act of 2005, sharing any copyrighted material before its release date warrants three years in prison and the possibility of a $25,000 fine (duh!). You know those “Terms of Agreement” electronic contracts you never read and simply press “Agree,” well I’m sure this law is in there somewhere. I'm sure it also states, "Don't f*ck with Guns n Roses," so he's probably in double trouble. Somehow he obtained these currently illegal songs and assumed it be a grand idea to post them for all to hear. Epic Fail!

During his hearing, the prosecutors originally demanded an outrageous $50,000 bail, which means the prosecutors either take their jobs ultra-seriously or simply love defending the rights of shitty music. The judge luckily put a stop to that. Cogill is currently out on a $10,000 bond and awaits a preliminary hearing in late September.

So what should happen to him? Should his ass be thrown in prison where our tax dollars will pay for this “menace of society” to be confined where he belongs: alongside the rapists, terrorists, murderers, maniacs, and nutcases that shouldn’t be roaming streets? My answer: yes.

He publicly shared a Guns n Roses album! Doesn’t that fall under obstructing the peace? If you’re going to break the law and risk three years of prison time, at least share some decent music. An upcoming Radiohead album maybe? Even an upcoming Kayne release or something by Hanna Montana (at least the kids would appreciate it) would do…not Guns n' Roses. Most of this band’s audience probably doesn’t even own an internet connection.

The album should arrive in stores at the end of November (rain), which is a real shame. Come November (rain), Kevin will face his (rightful) prison sentence while the rest of us face new shitty music on the already dire radio. Axel Rose wins--everyone else loses, and that’s a sad day in world—whether Chinese Democracy really exists of not.

This is their new album cover. I feel utterly embarrassed to post this on my site.

Democratic Poo Humor

This is an article taken from The Hotline: National Journal's Daily Briefing on Politics. It's concerning Senator Joe Biden and his vice presidential shortlist considerations leading up to the Democratic National Convention.



August 20, 2008
It Takes A Bulldog

WILMINGTON, DE - With a growing horde of reporters crowding his driveway, Sen. Joe Biden is doing his best to hold his tongue.

Under constant surveillance the could-be-VP is deflecting questions about his status, one day after he raised eyebrows after professing not to be "the guy" (then later claimed to know nothing more than we did). Instead, he is presenting himself as an everyday Joe Sixpack, heading out in his pickup truck and offering reporters some of the casual conversation for which the the loquacious senator is known.

"A successful dump," he shouted from his car window when asked if he had anything to report. Earlier, he left with a pile of logs in the back of his truck.

"I got a second load, guys, anybody wants to help me, let me know," he said.

Asked if he had any reaction to the announcement that his caucus-mate Joe Lieberman would speak at the Republican National Convention, Biden said, "I have not had another single thing I can tell you."

Even when tossed a softball and asked about his trip to Georgia this weekend, Biden held back.

"I'll do that after this is all over," he said.

Biden presented the stakeout press with bagels and coffee this morning, saying it was good to talk to us again.

Some in the quiet neighborhood have complained about the distruption caused by cars and satellite trucks parked along the tree-lined street. Other locals have taken to slowing down as they pass by his house, some stopping to ask if there was any news, others offering encouragement. One passer-by pointed to his pooch in the backseat, and asked if Biden needed a mascot.

"Gotta be a bulldog to deal with you-know-what," the man said.

Convention Sex......ewwwwww

I found this to be the most interesting article concerning the upcoming Democrat/Republican conventions:

http://www.abcnews.go.com/Blotter/Story?id=5629167&page=1

An undercover reporter has to make some quick friends and get the inside scoop of what these dirty old men are doing behind closed doors. Remember the crazy sex scene near the end of Requiem for a Dream with the girls? That's what I'm thinking.

Too bad Eliot Spitzer still isn't around; these girls would make some good money.

King of Kings

I wanted to eat lunch by myself for once, so for my midday break I drove to the closest food establishment in the area: Burger King. I try my best to avoid fast food these days, for it’s utterly disgusting and severely unhealthy, but my car was on ‘E’ and wasting precious drops of fuel is not an option.

The line inside wrapped around the line-separators in front of the register, so I waited for 10 ridiculous minutes. As I waited, I casually glanced around the room and developed an insensitive realization: every person in this restaurant was overweight—very overweight, and remember, this is lunch time, so the joint was pretty full. I only say this because I care dammit!. Being very overweight risks severe health problems--it's a big problem (no pun intended). Because I had the time, I counted the number of overweight people in the restaurant dining area (31 people) and the number of skinny people (only 2); concerning the skinnies, one was an 80-something grandma out with her pudgy grandchildren, and the other was an older man in a military uniform. Everyone else fit into the sweat pants-wearing overweight class.

I blame the food. This food is like poison! I can’t eat this. I was beginning to feel sick. I’ll nibble on a french fry (freedom fry?) and turn into some unhealthy slob! It’s not these people’s fault that they aren’t healthy: blame the food! This stuff will kill me—I have to leave. NOW!

“Can I help the next person in line?” Shit. The lady behind the register was referring to me. I was trapped. I had to order.
I cautiously settled for a simple cheeseburger, a small order of fries, and a vanilla milkshake. Safe enough…right?

A dirty, salt-covered table in the corner seemed appropriate for dining, for I could easily hide myself. I sat, watched the others, and noticed that nobody was really happy eating this food. They ate because they had to. They settled with this place because it was cheap and it wasn't their own kitchen. They ate because even though it didn’t taste great, it gave their taste buds enough of grace and nourishment to last them throughout the day.

As I sat, this younger overweight woman wearing flood pants, a faded pink shirt, and a small backpack that read “I HEART Pandas” rose from her seat with her empty cup in hopes of a safe trip to the refill station. Her walking space must have been limited in the aisles, for she tripped over a chair. Unfortunately for her, it was one of those chairs that are cemented to the floor, so she ended up going down instead of the innocent inanimate object. She hit the floor, but no worries—her mustached boyfriend (or brother) and her mother who wore a dirty off-white shirt with bunnies playing on the front stood up and almost helped her. They didn’t move too far from their table though. The fallen woman stood up by herself, wiped off the floor crumbs, and continued on her journey for a refill. Nobody in the dining area seemed to care about the woman’s well being after she fell. Most didn’t even glance over when they heard her head bounce off the floor—Burger King made everyone zombies.

We all fall. Sometimes we get back up, realize what we’re doing is stupid, and make a change. Sometimes we fall and don’t learn a lesson: we continue our journey to the refill machine. Every person in that restaurant and almost every person in our country will eventually have to make a choice concerning what they eat, but what are they going to do? Will they change their ways or continue their journey to the refill station.

I think I’ll be somewhere in between. Maybe I'll get a refill, but if I do, I'll take my time and try not to trip over any furniture.

Convention Fever!

Watch the commercials advertising the Democratic and National conventions on CNN and Fox News. They’re incredible! I never knew the said conventions had the excitement of a Hollywood blockbuster. The makers of action movie trailers designed these commercials, because all of the elements are there: overly-dramatic music, quick shots, tons of graphics, extreme narration, and just oodles and oodles of anticipation.

What will happen??? Will Dick Cheney leap from the rafters and shoot-to-kill the Iraqi war protestors innocently huddled outside the entrance? Will a Democratic secret agent attack Mrs. McCain with her one apparent weakness: a killer handshake? The Michael Bay-coordinated cage match with Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama will totally blow China’s Olympic Opening Ceremonies out of the waters.

Our 24 hour news channels promise us some fireworks. We’ll see if they can deliver.

Trash!!!!

How does one rid of his/her outside garbage cans? Let’s say you don’t want them anymore—you purchased a few new heavy duty ones on sale at Home Depot, and you want to get rid of the old ones, but how does one throw garbage cans in the garbage?

Placing a note on them for the garbage men is pointless—you’re assuming that people actually read the sides of garbage cans. Placing your old cans inside the brand new cans is more redundant than anything. Maybe just leaving the old empty container out for them will convey the message, but still, how can one expect the garbage men to throw away the one thing that they’re not supposed to throw away?

Therefore, garbage cans are one of the most sacred objects in our world.

If you placed a bag filled with thousands of dollars in a trash can, it would get tossed in the truck come pickup day. If the Mona Lisa was trashed in a dumpster behind the Louvre, it would surely end up at the garbage dump. If a person filled his waste cans with authentic American flags, though the garbage men would probably assume the said person has problems, they would still do what they’re supposed to do: trash the “trash.” On the other hand, if an old garbage can sit, waiting to be thrown away, they’d assume its owner made a mistake, and they’d keep it in its respected spot—for why would one throw away a garbage can?

Ssssssshhh!!!

I work in an office 40 hours a week. There are, of course, perks and drawbacks—ok, more drawbacks than perks. It’s certainly enjoyable to spend the day in an office where the others are fun and possess common sense (a rarity these days it seems). Still, some things I simply detest.

Now I’m not being cynical or negative—no matter who you are, you’re always going to experience things you just can’t stand, whether it be at home or at work or with friends or even with a boyfriend/girlfriend. You bitch about it or you can suck it up. Because I’m bored and I feel like writing, I’ll bitch.

The thing that I absolutely hate more than anything while working in the office is when people whisper. There it is. I said it. Whispering.

The cause of this disposition is due to my paranoia: I always sense that they’re talking about me. This causes me to also listen in to the conversation. Though I only recognize key words here and there, I always discover that though they’re never talking about me, they’ve now made me a pest for listening in to their conversations…and I hate that. They’re almost always talking about people from other branches or venting about my boss—never about me. I’ve been told that everyone in the office simply “loves Rick” (or “Ricky,” like many of them call me), but I still can’t shake off the fact that their whispering may one day be about me (assuming it already hasn’t).

Batman Movies

If you know me, you know that I love Batman--I have since I was a young kid. The various filmic interpretations of Batman through the years are vast. Looking back, many of them deem unnecessary, for they’re simply not good. Some of them, are excellent. Here’s my review of Batman’s feature film past.

Batman: The Movie (1966)
3/10

This film (along with the earlier television show) was one of many adaptations that completely ruined the Batman legacy. Trust me, the older comics in the 1940s were nothing like this. One can appreciate the cheesy yet interesting villains at times (for what they were), but both Batman and Robin are too unbearable. Did anyone at the time find Robin’s dialogue clever and/or entertaining?
The scene where they’re climbing up a ladder over the water and a shark jumps up is classic though.


Interesting Tidbit: There’s a photo somewhere of me in the original Batmobile taken at a mall when I was probably around 8 years old. Even though this movie sucked, I still felt like I was sitting in a king’s thrown.

BatQuiz:
What is the best line of dialogue from this film?

A) The Penguin: Careful! Every one of them's got a mother.
B) Batman: Bon Voyage, Pussy.
C) Batman: What has yellow skin and writes?
Robin: A ball-point banana!
Batman: What people are always in a hurry?
Robin: Rushing people... Russians!
Batman: So this means...
Robin: Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana and break their neck!
Batman: Precisely, Robin!
D) Batman: Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder...
Commissioner Gordon: You mean where there's a fish there could be a penguin?
Robin: But wait! It happened at sea... Sea. C for Catwoman!
Batman: Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...
Commissioner Gordon: The Joker!
Chief O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle... Riddle-R. Riddler!

Batman (1989)
7/10
It’s my firm belief that one is a true Batman fan if he/she reads the comics/graphic novels. You can easily tell if one has ever read them by their opinion of Tim Burton’s film. Most hardcore fans hate it.

I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt though for nostalgic purposes: I grew up watching this film; therefore it’s still special to me. The film’s art direction and costumes are exceptional and Danny Elfman’s score is the greatest musical accompaniment to any superhero film ever. Michael Keaton is a great Bruce Wayne, though only a decent Batman.
On the other hand, Jack Nicholson is way too old to play the Joker. He does well with the material, but doesn’t fit the part. The story is weak, and like most Batman fans, I can’t stand the fact that the Joker killed Batman’s parents.
Prince is incredible. He can play 109223 instruments, and I’ve heard he puts on the best live show ever. Does this mean that his songwriting contributions are good or appropriate for this film? Not in the least--releasing a song called ‘Batdance’ is borderline insanity.
The movie gets nostalgic and originality points, but as a Batman film, doesn’t treat the source material with respect. It just looks cool.

Interesting Tidbit: I also sat in the Batmobile from this film, which is arguably the best Batmobile. They wouldn’t let me snap a picture without paying a fee though. Blah.

Batman Returns (1992)
8/10

It follows the same path as its predecessor, but adds more style, charm, and a slightly better story. The problem is that the villains are more interesting than the protagonist! Batman’s incredibly flat, while Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman is probably the best live-action Batman villain (pre-Batman Begins). Christopher Walken's pretty creepy in it too.

Interesting Tidbit: I met Danny Devito the year this movie was released. As a kid, I was honored to have met The Penguin!! I almost met Jack Nicholson, but the man wouldn’t leave his heated trailer. Asshole. In the long run, it was good for me, for I would have likely pissed my pants with excitement to have met the Joker. Michael Keaton’s from Pittsburgh, but I’ve never met him.

BatQuiz:
Due to Michelle Pfieffer’s costume, what should Batman Returns' rating be?
a) R
b) NC-17
c) Unrated
d) a newly developed rating warning teenage boys of “possible boners”

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
9/10
If you hate Mask of the Phantasm, there's something wrong. How can one hate this cartooned-Batman that was surprisingly on par with the Animated Series, AND better than any of the 1990s live action films?
Even as a kid, I figured out the weak plot twist, but that still didn’t take away from the excellent story (what? An actual story you say?) and exciting new characters.
I also could never figure out why everyone praised Nicholson’s Joker, but never commented on Mark Hamill’s fantastically demented vocal acting. I see Mark Hamill as the perfect Joker way before seeing him as the perfect Skywalker.

Batman Forever (1995)
3/10
As a kid, I felt so cool jamming the soundtrack on my stereo with everyone from R. Kelly to U2 to the Flaming Lips making an appearance. Unfortunately, looking back, this movie should have never been made. Joel Shumacher can direct films, but he shouldn’t be allowed to utter the word “Batman,” let alone direct two films.

It was wise to try something different: Tim Burton’s darkness replaced by hundreds of thousands of elaborate colors resembles a comic book. So what doesn’t work? Everything else.
Horrible script; terrible action sequences; embarrassing dialogue; and most of all, embarrassing acting.

BatQuiz:
Where is the only acceptable place to listen to R. Kelly’s “Kiss By a Rose” song?
a) a middle school dance
b) on the radio
c) trapped in a closet
d) anywhere but in this movie

Batman and Robin (1997)
0/10

This is my all-time least favorite movie. Not solely “Batman movie” mind you. Movie. Ever. I don’t even want to write about it. They could have filmed a dog defacating into a jar and called it a Batman movie and that still would have been better than this.
I DID watch special features on the DVD, only to hear with my own ears Joel Schumacher apologizing to Batman fans for making this atrocity. At least he’s honest about his mistakes. Horrible, horrible film.

BatQuiz:
What would you rather do on a Saturday Night?
a) watch ‘Batman and Robin’ with some friends
b) gouge your eyes out
c) taser your new pet puppy
d) blow up your own house

Batman Beyond: The Return of the Joker (2000)
8/10

If only this one got more attention. It’s just so good. It’s the futuristic version of the Batman story which takes place long after Bruce Wayne has retired. The Batman Beyond series could have been a disaster, but the animation, stories, and original villains sold me. At times I enjoy Terry McGinnis even more so than Bruce Wayne. I would not mind at all if writers, artists and/or filmmakers chose to concentrate on this character more in the future.

Batman Quiz:
Who is one of the all-time hottest/coolest cartoon characters?
a) Terry McGinnis
b) Terry McGinnis
c) Terry McGinnis
d) Both a, b, and c

Batman Begins (2005)
9/10

Finally, a filmmaker understands Batman! I trust Christopher Nolan with whatever filmmaking decision he makes in the future.
Bruce Wayne’s back-story, the cinematography, the villains, and the whole tone are incredible. Even though partway through the film I thought, “Liam Neeson would probably make a better Ra’s Al Ghoul,” I still didn’t foresee the plot twist!
The film is perfectly casted (with the lone exception of Katie Holmes) and has the perfect tone for a Batman film.
My only minor, minor complaints are the following:
1. The Scarecrow needed slightly more screen time.
2. The villain’s name is actually pronounced “Raish,” and not “Ras” like it’s spelled (Ra’s). Pointing this out makes me feel like a loser AND a dork.
3. Bruce Wayne shouldn’t have a love interest. Actually, with the exception of a few villains, there really shouldn’t be any female characters in Batman films. The Batman legacy is a sausagefest. Bruce Wayne can’t have a girlfriend, because he’s no longer “Bruce Wayne!” He’s Batman. As soon as he makes this decision, the mask he wears is the lone, woman-loving millionaire, and his true self appears when he puts on the suit.

BatQuiz:
FILL IN THE BLANK:

The main characteristic that separates Morgan Freeman from every other lead actor in this movie is that he’s also highly accomplished N_ _ _ _ _ _ R.





ANSWER: Narrator (see “Shawshank Redemption,” “Million Dollar Baby,” “War of the Worlds,” “March of the Penguins”), besides being a damn awesome actor.

Batman vs. Dracula: The Animated Movie (2005)
4/10

I caught this one right before I left my job at a video store years ago. Why they thought this concept was a good idea, I have no clue.
The animation is based on “The Batman” animated series. It’s by no means equivalent to Batman Beyond or The Animated Series, for as a 20-something, I can’t get into it. It’ll only appeal to young kids and ridiculously committed fans.
In this movie, Dracula wrecks havoc on Gotham City. Why’d they pick Dracula? Granted, yes, he’s an intelligent, high-class villain in general, but there’s a plethora of DC villains to choose from.
Some of the animation IS fun to watch though, and given its story, this one could have been a lot worse.

BatQuiz:
Besides Dracula and the Mad Hatter, what other literary villains should Batman be pitted against?
a) Frankenstein
b) Moby Dick
c) A Random slave owner from A Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
d) The Mechanical Hound from Fahrenheit 451

Gotham Knight (2008)
7/10

Similar to the AniMatrix, this consists of six original stories all written and animated by separate collaborators. The end result is a unique mashup of Japanese-styled animation and clever stories. For a similar literary experience, I’d recommend Batman: Black and White.
This feature is stylish, though I wish they could have done more with the actual stories. Perhaps if each segment was a bit longer, I would have enjoyed it more. Still, I definitely liked it, and would’t complain if they released a “Gotham Knight II” sometime in the future.

The Dark Knight (2008)
10/10


So perfect, I had to go back and adjust Batman Begins' score, for if that movie's a 10/10, this is a 12/10. Perfect. Everything. They don't have to make another Batman movie...though I'm sure they will.

Haircut History

I left my office at five and drove to the mall: I needed a haircut. I treat my hair to a shortening once every two months, and I prefer someplace that isn't too expensive but maintains a respectable reputation filled with dignity and “pizzazz.” After giving the woman in front my name, I had to wait. I love waiting for a haircut, because while seated in the designated area, I silently scope the scene and mentally choose who I hope will cut my hair. That one woman looks like she has style; I'd place her in charge of my hair follicles. It looks like I could be friends with that other woman; I hope SHE cuts my hair. The woman I got stuck with this time was my very last choice in the room. She must have sensed this, because she gave me a humiliating haircut.

I grew up going to a barber. He was a neighbor of mine and a really nice older man. Unlike most older people, he didn't mind noise…in fact, he was elated to work on his garden or cut his grass while listening to my (often) feeble attempts at playing the loud drum set in my room. His noise acceptance earned himself a loyal customer--until I became a teenager. The problem with barbers is that instructions are pointless, for they give you the exact same haircut every time. Before the cut: “Can I have it spiked on the top, and slightly shorter on the sides?” After the cut: “Ohh…you gave me a regular men's haircut.--just what I wanted.”
During my teenage years, I cosmetologically experimented a bit. I was literally the first boy in my school to dye his hair blonde. Now I was a somewhat shy kid, but I enjoyed the attention. What eventually pissed me off was not the random older kids who taunted me by uttering “fag” in the hall as I passed (because streaked blonde hair and an earring automatically equals “fag” to redneck high schoolers). If anything, I appreciated their honesty, but three months later, those same kids streaked their hair too! This was unacceptable.
I abandoned blonde and tried orange, but it just wasn't 'controversial' enough for my tastes, so I sadly tried polluting my hair with non-permanent blue dye. The problem with non-permanent hair coloring is you shampoo it once and the hair transforms from a solid tone to a vomity-looking tint. I wasn't trying to be “punk” or even “cool”--that didn't interest me at the time. I simply possessed the whole “trying to be an individual” personality; except unlike punks or goths or any other sub-culture group who ironically fulfill their “individuality” by dressing like everyone else in their sub-cultured group, I decided to try and find my own thing.
I settled on short black-colored hair. It was a great move, and it suited me for years, but by the end of my freshmen year of college, the emo craze ruined yet another well-suited hair color. I tried a subtle red, but quickly decided that my hair coloring days were over.
There was also one very short time where I tried growing facial hair. I detested it. It was completely unstable and looked like tiny scattered brown pubic hairs barely growing across my face. I don't trust people with facial hair anyways (people who intentionally grow facial hair…not lazy folks who don't shave for a few days), so I decided early on that it's something I'll never pursue again.
Instead of coloring, I grew my hair out and settled for a semi-annual haircut. This shaggy look lasted two years until my thyroid disease began causing my hair to thin, so by the time my study abroad trip began, my haircut was depressingly semi-normal.

My thyroid disease is to blame for this horrible haircut I received at the mall, because the woman cutting my hair (she looked young, but admitted that she's almost forty) thought it would be a grand idea to talk about her thyroid problems while cutting. Bad call--for I think she concentrated more on coaxing medically-related information from me than she did on my haircut. I'm personally not a fan of conversing with hair stylists while they cut my hair. Though it makes the day go faster for them I'm sure, I'd rather they leave me alone. Don't get me wrong, talking to people, especially strangers, is really cool, but not when they have a job to do.
My sideburns weren't matching in length; the hair on the sides of my head was too short and didn't match the hair on the top. She didn't even ask me if I approved of the cut--she simply continued talking about her hypothyroid problems, even as we walked to the register. I tried many times to end the conversation, but she answered my attempts with more questions. If anything, she should have paid me, for she surely left the session with more insight and information than I did.
Of course I could have told her that I wasn't satisfied with the haircut, but then she would have cut even more off and make it worse--and it would have been shorter, which takes longer to grow back. As soon as I arrived home I grabbed a pair of scissors and a hair trimmer, locked myself in the bathroom, and finished the job.
I was fairly surprised with the job I did---it looks great! I even got positive comments on my new haircut. “It looks awesome! Who cut your hair?”