Democratic Poo Humor

This is an article taken from The Hotline: National Journal's Daily Briefing on Politics. It's concerning Senator Joe Biden and his vice presidential shortlist considerations leading up to the Democratic National Convention.



August 20, 2008
It Takes A Bulldog

WILMINGTON, DE - With a growing horde of reporters crowding his driveway, Sen. Joe Biden is doing his best to hold his tongue.

Under constant surveillance the could-be-VP is deflecting questions about his status, one day after he raised eyebrows after professing not to be "the guy" (then later claimed to know nothing more than we did). Instead, he is presenting himself as an everyday Joe Sixpack, heading out in his pickup truck and offering reporters some of the casual conversation for which the the loquacious senator is known.

"A successful dump," he shouted from his car window when asked if he had anything to report. Earlier, he left with a pile of logs in the back of his truck.

"I got a second load, guys, anybody wants to help me, let me know," he said.

Asked if he had any reaction to the announcement that his caucus-mate Joe Lieberman would speak at the Republican National Convention, Biden said, "I have not had another single thing I can tell you."

Even when tossed a softball and asked about his trip to Georgia this weekend, Biden held back.

"I'll do that after this is all over," he said.

Biden presented the stakeout press with bagels and coffee this morning, saying it was good to talk to us again.

Some in the quiet neighborhood have complained about the distruption caused by cars and satellite trucks parked along the tree-lined street. Other locals have taken to slowing down as they pass by his house, some stopping to ask if there was any news, others offering encouragement. One passer-by pointed to his pooch in the backseat, and asked if Biden needed a mascot.

"Gotta be a bulldog to deal with you-know-what," the man said.

Convention Sex......ewwwwww

I found this to be the most interesting article concerning the upcoming Democrat/Republican conventions:

http://www.abcnews.go.com/Blotter/Story?id=5629167&page=1

An undercover reporter has to make some quick friends and get the inside scoop of what these dirty old men are doing behind closed doors. Remember the crazy sex scene near the end of Requiem for a Dream with the girls? That's what I'm thinking.

Too bad Eliot Spitzer still isn't around; these girls would make some good money.

King of Kings

I wanted to eat lunch by myself for once, so for my midday break I drove to the closest food establishment in the area: Burger King. I try my best to avoid fast food these days, for it’s utterly disgusting and severely unhealthy, but my car was on ‘E’ and wasting precious drops of fuel is not an option.

The line inside wrapped around the line-separators in front of the register, so I waited for 10 ridiculous minutes. As I waited, I casually glanced around the room and developed an insensitive realization: every person in this restaurant was overweight—very overweight, and remember, this is lunch time, so the joint was pretty full. I only say this because I care dammit!. Being very overweight risks severe health problems--it's a big problem (no pun intended). Because I had the time, I counted the number of overweight people in the restaurant dining area (31 people) and the number of skinny people (only 2); concerning the skinnies, one was an 80-something grandma out with her pudgy grandchildren, and the other was an older man in a military uniform. Everyone else fit into the sweat pants-wearing overweight class.

I blame the food. This food is like poison! I can’t eat this. I was beginning to feel sick. I’ll nibble on a french fry (freedom fry?) and turn into some unhealthy slob! It’s not these people’s fault that they aren’t healthy: blame the food! This stuff will kill me—I have to leave. NOW!

“Can I help the next person in line?” Shit. The lady behind the register was referring to me. I was trapped. I had to order.
I cautiously settled for a simple cheeseburger, a small order of fries, and a vanilla milkshake. Safe enough…right?

A dirty, salt-covered table in the corner seemed appropriate for dining, for I could easily hide myself. I sat, watched the others, and noticed that nobody was really happy eating this food. They ate because they had to. They settled with this place because it was cheap and it wasn't their own kitchen. They ate because even though it didn’t taste great, it gave their taste buds enough of grace and nourishment to last them throughout the day.

As I sat, this younger overweight woman wearing flood pants, a faded pink shirt, and a small backpack that read “I HEART Pandas” rose from her seat with her empty cup in hopes of a safe trip to the refill station. Her walking space must have been limited in the aisles, for she tripped over a chair. Unfortunately for her, it was one of those chairs that are cemented to the floor, so she ended up going down instead of the innocent inanimate object. She hit the floor, but no worries—her mustached boyfriend (or brother) and her mother who wore a dirty off-white shirt with bunnies playing on the front stood up and almost helped her. They didn’t move too far from their table though. The fallen woman stood up by herself, wiped off the floor crumbs, and continued on her journey for a refill. Nobody in the dining area seemed to care about the woman’s well being after she fell. Most didn’t even glance over when they heard her head bounce off the floor—Burger King made everyone zombies.

We all fall. Sometimes we get back up, realize what we’re doing is stupid, and make a change. Sometimes we fall and don’t learn a lesson: we continue our journey to the refill machine. Every person in that restaurant and almost every person in our country will eventually have to make a choice concerning what they eat, but what are they going to do? Will they change their ways or continue their journey to the refill station.

I think I’ll be somewhere in between. Maybe I'll get a refill, but if I do, I'll take my time and try not to trip over any furniture.

Convention Fever!

Watch the commercials advertising the Democratic and National conventions on CNN and Fox News. They’re incredible! I never knew the said conventions had the excitement of a Hollywood blockbuster. The makers of action movie trailers designed these commercials, because all of the elements are there: overly-dramatic music, quick shots, tons of graphics, extreme narration, and just oodles and oodles of anticipation.

What will happen??? Will Dick Cheney leap from the rafters and shoot-to-kill the Iraqi war protestors innocently huddled outside the entrance? Will a Democratic secret agent attack Mrs. McCain with her one apparent weakness: a killer handshake? The Michael Bay-coordinated cage match with Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama will totally blow China’s Olympic Opening Ceremonies out of the waters.

Our 24 hour news channels promise us some fireworks. We’ll see if they can deliver.

Trash!!!!

How does one rid of his/her outside garbage cans? Let’s say you don’t want them anymore—you purchased a few new heavy duty ones on sale at Home Depot, and you want to get rid of the old ones, but how does one throw garbage cans in the garbage?

Placing a note on them for the garbage men is pointless—you’re assuming that people actually read the sides of garbage cans. Placing your old cans inside the brand new cans is more redundant than anything. Maybe just leaving the old empty container out for them will convey the message, but still, how can one expect the garbage men to throw away the one thing that they’re not supposed to throw away?

Therefore, garbage cans are one of the most sacred objects in our world.

If you placed a bag filled with thousands of dollars in a trash can, it would get tossed in the truck come pickup day. If the Mona Lisa was trashed in a dumpster behind the Louvre, it would surely end up at the garbage dump. If a person filled his waste cans with authentic American flags, though the garbage men would probably assume the said person has problems, they would still do what they’re supposed to do: trash the “trash.” On the other hand, if an old garbage can sit, waiting to be thrown away, they’d assume its owner made a mistake, and they’d keep it in its respected spot—for why would one throw away a garbage can?

Ssssssshhh!!!

I work in an office 40 hours a week. There are, of course, perks and drawbacks—ok, more drawbacks than perks. It’s certainly enjoyable to spend the day in an office where the others are fun and possess common sense (a rarity these days it seems). Still, some things I simply detest.

Now I’m not being cynical or negative—no matter who you are, you’re always going to experience things you just can’t stand, whether it be at home or at work or with friends or even with a boyfriend/girlfriend. You bitch about it or you can suck it up. Because I’m bored and I feel like writing, I’ll bitch.

The thing that I absolutely hate more than anything while working in the office is when people whisper. There it is. I said it. Whispering.

The cause of this disposition is due to my paranoia: I always sense that they’re talking about me. This causes me to also listen in to the conversation. Though I only recognize key words here and there, I always discover that though they’re never talking about me, they’ve now made me a pest for listening in to their conversations…and I hate that. They’re almost always talking about people from other branches or venting about my boss—never about me. I’ve been told that everyone in the office simply “loves Rick” (or “Ricky,” like many of them call me), but I still can’t shake off the fact that their whispering may one day be about me (assuming it already hasn’t).

Batman Movies

If you know me, you know that I love Batman--I have since I was a young kid. The various filmic interpretations of Batman through the years are vast. Looking back, many of them deem unnecessary, for they’re simply not good. Some of them, are excellent. Here’s my review of Batman’s feature film past.

Batman: The Movie (1966)
3/10

This film (along with the earlier television show) was one of many adaptations that completely ruined the Batman legacy. Trust me, the older comics in the 1940s were nothing like this. One can appreciate the cheesy yet interesting villains at times (for what they were), but both Batman and Robin are too unbearable. Did anyone at the time find Robin’s dialogue clever and/or entertaining?
The scene where they’re climbing up a ladder over the water and a shark jumps up is classic though.


Interesting Tidbit: There’s a photo somewhere of me in the original Batmobile taken at a mall when I was probably around 8 years old. Even though this movie sucked, I still felt like I was sitting in a king’s thrown.

BatQuiz:
What is the best line of dialogue from this film?

A) The Penguin: Careful! Every one of them's got a mother.
B) Batman: Bon Voyage, Pussy.
C) Batman: What has yellow skin and writes?
Robin: A ball-point banana!
Batman: What people are always in a hurry?
Robin: Rushing people... Russians!
Batman: So this means...
Robin: Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana and break their neck!
Batman: Precisely, Robin!
D) Batman: Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder...
Commissioner Gordon: You mean where there's a fish there could be a penguin?
Robin: But wait! It happened at sea... Sea. C for Catwoman!
Batman: Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...
Commissioner Gordon: The Joker!
Chief O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle... Riddle-R. Riddler!

Batman (1989)
7/10
It’s my firm belief that one is a true Batman fan if he/she reads the comics/graphic novels. You can easily tell if one has ever read them by their opinion of Tim Burton’s film. Most hardcore fans hate it.

I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt though for nostalgic purposes: I grew up watching this film; therefore it’s still special to me. The film’s art direction and costumes are exceptional and Danny Elfman’s score is the greatest musical accompaniment to any superhero film ever. Michael Keaton is a great Bruce Wayne, though only a decent Batman.
On the other hand, Jack Nicholson is way too old to play the Joker. He does well with the material, but doesn’t fit the part. The story is weak, and like most Batman fans, I can’t stand the fact that the Joker killed Batman’s parents.
Prince is incredible. He can play 109223 instruments, and I’ve heard he puts on the best live show ever. Does this mean that his songwriting contributions are good or appropriate for this film? Not in the least--releasing a song called ‘Batdance’ is borderline insanity.
The movie gets nostalgic and originality points, but as a Batman film, doesn’t treat the source material with respect. It just looks cool.

Interesting Tidbit: I also sat in the Batmobile from this film, which is arguably the best Batmobile. They wouldn’t let me snap a picture without paying a fee though. Blah.

Batman Returns (1992)
8/10

It follows the same path as its predecessor, but adds more style, charm, and a slightly better story. The problem is that the villains are more interesting than the protagonist! Batman’s incredibly flat, while Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman is probably the best live-action Batman villain (pre-Batman Begins). Christopher Walken's pretty creepy in it too.

Interesting Tidbit: I met Danny Devito the year this movie was released. As a kid, I was honored to have met The Penguin!! I almost met Jack Nicholson, but the man wouldn’t leave his heated trailer. Asshole. In the long run, it was good for me, for I would have likely pissed my pants with excitement to have met the Joker. Michael Keaton’s from Pittsburgh, but I’ve never met him.

BatQuiz:
Due to Michelle Pfieffer’s costume, what should Batman Returns' rating be?
a) R
b) NC-17
c) Unrated
d) a newly developed rating warning teenage boys of “possible boners”

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
9/10
If you hate Mask of the Phantasm, there's something wrong. How can one hate this cartooned-Batman that was surprisingly on par with the Animated Series, AND better than any of the 1990s live action films?
Even as a kid, I figured out the weak plot twist, but that still didn’t take away from the excellent story (what? An actual story you say?) and exciting new characters.
I also could never figure out why everyone praised Nicholson’s Joker, but never commented on Mark Hamill’s fantastically demented vocal acting. I see Mark Hamill as the perfect Joker way before seeing him as the perfect Skywalker.

Batman Forever (1995)
3/10
As a kid, I felt so cool jamming the soundtrack on my stereo with everyone from R. Kelly to U2 to the Flaming Lips making an appearance. Unfortunately, looking back, this movie should have never been made. Joel Shumacher can direct films, but he shouldn’t be allowed to utter the word “Batman,” let alone direct two films.

It was wise to try something different: Tim Burton’s darkness replaced by hundreds of thousands of elaborate colors resembles a comic book. So what doesn’t work? Everything else.
Horrible script; terrible action sequences; embarrassing dialogue; and most of all, embarrassing acting.

BatQuiz:
Where is the only acceptable place to listen to R. Kelly’s “Kiss By a Rose” song?
a) a middle school dance
b) on the radio
c) trapped in a closet
d) anywhere but in this movie

Batman and Robin (1997)
0/10

This is my all-time least favorite movie. Not solely “Batman movie” mind you. Movie. Ever. I don’t even want to write about it. They could have filmed a dog defacating into a jar and called it a Batman movie and that still would have been better than this.
I DID watch special features on the DVD, only to hear with my own ears Joel Schumacher apologizing to Batman fans for making this atrocity. At least he’s honest about his mistakes. Horrible, horrible film.

BatQuiz:
What would you rather do on a Saturday Night?
a) watch ‘Batman and Robin’ with some friends
b) gouge your eyes out
c) taser your new pet puppy
d) blow up your own house

Batman Beyond: The Return of the Joker (2000)
8/10

If only this one got more attention. It’s just so good. It’s the futuristic version of the Batman story which takes place long after Bruce Wayne has retired. The Batman Beyond series could have been a disaster, but the animation, stories, and original villains sold me. At times I enjoy Terry McGinnis even more so than Bruce Wayne. I would not mind at all if writers, artists and/or filmmakers chose to concentrate on this character more in the future.

Batman Quiz:
Who is one of the all-time hottest/coolest cartoon characters?
a) Terry McGinnis
b) Terry McGinnis
c) Terry McGinnis
d) Both a, b, and c

Batman Begins (2005)
9/10

Finally, a filmmaker understands Batman! I trust Christopher Nolan with whatever filmmaking decision he makes in the future.
Bruce Wayne’s back-story, the cinematography, the villains, and the whole tone are incredible. Even though partway through the film I thought, “Liam Neeson would probably make a better Ra’s Al Ghoul,” I still didn’t foresee the plot twist!
The film is perfectly casted (with the lone exception of Katie Holmes) and has the perfect tone for a Batman film.
My only minor, minor complaints are the following:
1. The Scarecrow needed slightly more screen time.
2. The villain’s name is actually pronounced “Raish,” and not “Ras” like it’s spelled (Ra’s). Pointing this out makes me feel like a loser AND a dork.
3. Bruce Wayne shouldn’t have a love interest. Actually, with the exception of a few villains, there really shouldn’t be any female characters in Batman films. The Batman legacy is a sausagefest. Bruce Wayne can’t have a girlfriend, because he’s no longer “Bruce Wayne!” He’s Batman. As soon as he makes this decision, the mask he wears is the lone, woman-loving millionaire, and his true self appears when he puts on the suit.

BatQuiz:
FILL IN THE BLANK:

The main characteristic that separates Morgan Freeman from every other lead actor in this movie is that he’s also highly accomplished N_ _ _ _ _ _ R.





ANSWER: Narrator (see “Shawshank Redemption,” “Million Dollar Baby,” “War of the Worlds,” “March of the Penguins”), besides being a damn awesome actor.

Batman vs. Dracula: The Animated Movie (2005)
4/10

I caught this one right before I left my job at a video store years ago. Why they thought this concept was a good idea, I have no clue.
The animation is based on “The Batman” animated series. It’s by no means equivalent to Batman Beyond or The Animated Series, for as a 20-something, I can’t get into it. It’ll only appeal to young kids and ridiculously committed fans.
In this movie, Dracula wrecks havoc on Gotham City. Why’d they pick Dracula? Granted, yes, he’s an intelligent, high-class villain in general, but there’s a plethora of DC villains to choose from.
Some of the animation IS fun to watch though, and given its story, this one could have been a lot worse.

BatQuiz:
Besides Dracula and the Mad Hatter, what other literary villains should Batman be pitted against?
a) Frankenstein
b) Moby Dick
c) A Random slave owner from A Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
d) The Mechanical Hound from Fahrenheit 451

Gotham Knight (2008)
7/10

Similar to the AniMatrix, this consists of six original stories all written and animated by separate collaborators. The end result is a unique mashup of Japanese-styled animation and clever stories. For a similar literary experience, I’d recommend Batman: Black and White.
This feature is stylish, though I wish they could have done more with the actual stories. Perhaps if each segment was a bit longer, I would have enjoyed it more. Still, I definitely liked it, and would’t complain if they released a “Gotham Knight II” sometime in the future.

The Dark Knight (2008)
10/10


So perfect, I had to go back and adjust Batman Begins' score, for if that movie's a 10/10, this is a 12/10. Perfect. Everything. They don't have to make another Batman movie...though I'm sure they will.

Haircut History

I left my office at five and drove to the mall: I needed a haircut. I treat my hair to a shortening once every two months, and I prefer someplace that isn't too expensive but maintains a respectable reputation filled with dignity and “pizzazz.” After giving the woman in front my name, I had to wait. I love waiting for a haircut, because while seated in the designated area, I silently scope the scene and mentally choose who I hope will cut my hair. That one woman looks like she has style; I'd place her in charge of my hair follicles. It looks like I could be friends with that other woman; I hope SHE cuts my hair. The woman I got stuck with this time was my very last choice in the room. She must have sensed this, because she gave me a humiliating haircut.

I grew up going to a barber. He was a neighbor of mine and a really nice older man. Unlike most older people, he didn't mind noise…in fact, he was elated to work on his garden or cut his grass while listening to my (often) feeble attempts at playing the loud drum set in my room. His noise acceptance earned himself a loyal customer--until I became a teenager. The problem with barbers is that instructions are pointless, for they give you the exact same haircut every time. Before the cut: “Can I have it spiked on the top, and slightly shorter on the sides?” After the cut: “Ohh…you gave me a regular men's haircut.--just what I wanted.”
During my teenage years, I cosmetologically experimented a bit. I was literally the first boy in my school to dye his hair blonde. Now I was a somewhat shy kid, but I enjoyed the attention. What eventually pissed me off was not the random older kids who taunted me by uttering “fag” in the hall as I passed (because streaked blonde hair and an earring automatically equals “fag” to redneck high schoolers). If anything, I appreciated their honesty, but three months later, those same kids streaked their hair too! This was unacceptable.
I abandoned blonde and tried orange, but it just wasn't 'controversial' enough for my tastes, so I sadly tried polluting my hair with non-permanent blue dye. The problem with non-permanent hair coloring is you shampoo it once and the hair transforms from a solid tone to a vomity-looking tint. I wasn't trying to be “punk” or even “cool”--that didn't interest me at the time. I simply possessed the whole “trying to be an individual” personality; except unlike punks or goths or any other sub-culture group who ironically fulfill their “individuality” by dressing like everyone else in their sub-cultured group, I decided to try and find my own thing.
I settled on short black-colored hair. It was a great move, and it suited me for years, but by the end of my freshmen year of college, the emo craze ruined yet another well-suited hair color. I tried a subtle red, but quickly decided that my hair coloring days were over.
There was also one very short time where I tried growing facial hair. I detested it. It was completely unstable and looked like tiny scattered brown pubic hairs barely growing across my face. I don't trust people with facial hair anyways (people who intentionally grow facial hair…not lazy folks who don't shave for a few days), so I decided early on that it's something I'll never pursue again.
Instead of coloring, I grew my hair out and settled for a semi-annual haircut. This shaggy look lasted two years until my thyroid disease began causing my hair to thin, so by the time my study abroad trip began, my haircut was depressingly semi-normal.

My thyroid disease is to blame for this horrible haircut I received at the mall, because the woman cutting my hair (she looked young, but admitted that she's almost forty) thought it would be a grand idea to talk about her thyroid problems while cutting. Bad call--for I think she concentrated more on coaxing medically-related information from me than she did on my haircut. I'm personally not a fan of conversing with hair stylists while they cut my hair. Though it makes the day go faster for them I'm sure, I'd rather they leave me alone. Don't get me wrong, talking to people, especially strangers, is really cool, but not when they have a job to do.
My sideburns weren't matching in length; the hair on the sides of my head was too short and didn't match the hair on the top. She didn't even ask me if I approved of the cut--she simply continued talking about her hypothyroid problems, even as we walked to the register. I tried many times to end the conversation, but she answered my attempts with more questions. If anything, she should have paid me, for she surely left the session with more insight and information than I did.
Of course I could have told her that I wasn't satisfied with the haircut, but then she would have cut even more off and make it worse--and it would have been shorter, which takes longer to grow back. As soon as I arrived home I grabbed a pair of scissors and a hair trimmer, locked myself in the bathroom, and finished the job.
I was fairly surprised with the job I did---it looks great! I even got positive comments on my new haircut. “It looks awesome! Who cut your hair?”

MOVIES: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Be careful for spoilers—they’re everywhere!

As a kid, I was in love with the Indiana Jones films. Unlike most Lucas fans, I actually preferred the Jones trilogy over the Star Wars trilogy, and rather than viewing Sean Connery as James Bond, I always saw him as Dr. Henry Jones.
Like most 20-something guys, I was certainly excited to experience the new chapter in Indy’s story with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. After viewing it, the closest way to express my opinion is through the words of my friend Steve:

“Watching the movie, I felt like Indiana in the refrigerator. The entire franchise was being nuked, and I was helplessly stuck in the fridge, rolling down a steep hill.”

You’re probably thinking, “Well, like many people, your expectations were obviously too high going into the film.” My expectations were NOT too high. I wasn’t expecting a masterpiece, but the almost 20-year gap left the filmmakers with enough time to develop a great story, and I was at least anticipating some fun, adventure, comedy, and entertaining action sequences. What George Lucas and Steven Spielberg left us with was a technically-flawed film, a weak story, tedious action sequences, flat acting, horrible CGI effects, and too many plotholes. Let’s examine each one of these categories and allow me to explain myself before you quickly disregard my harsh opinion.

The Technical Aspects

Technical blunders occur throughout the original three Indiana Jones films. Continuity mistakes can be brushed aside in the first three, so I’ll completely skip these in order to concentrate on some of the larger issues, firstly the cinematography.

Cinematographer Janusz Kaminski shot the film. Now Mr. Kaminski has shot such films as Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, and Minority Report, so there’s no arguing that this two-time Oscar winner knows what he’s doing. With that said, why is this film so horribly lit? I’m certainly not a cinematographer, but I know bad lighting when I see it, and one simply has to watch the entire first scene of dialogue to notice that the “outside scene” was filmed on a soundstage under tons of lights. There’s nothing wrong with shooting on a soundstage, but the audience shouldn’t be able to realize this fact.

With the original films, the viewer follows Indy from a distance through his adventures. We’re with him every step of the way, and camera focuses on the actual action taking place instead of trying to over-complicate things. This film’s distracting camera movements during action sequences completely delude the franchise’s look--they resembled the action sequences from Minority Report than anything. If I wanted to see crazy camera movements, I’d go see Speed Racer instead.

Not only does Spielberg continuously work with a great cinematographer, but he also employs perhaps the greatest living film composer on the planet: Mr. John Williams. His scores are constantly engaging and flawless, yet The Crystal Skull felt like random, boring musical snippets from the older films. Even the Temple of Doom score employs new themes and interesting middle eastern/Indian influences—in this one he more or less just goes through the motions and employs no creativity whatsoever.

The CGI Effects

Steven Spielberg promised us that he would only use CGI when absolutely necessary. He lied.

Was it “absolutely necessary" to create CGI gophers at the beginning of the film? First of all, there was no reason to show these animals in the first place! Secondly, they couldn’t find real animals? Almost 100 years of filmmaking relied on using actual animals onscreen until this ungodly “everything has to be CGI age.” They looked like computer-generated Star Wars monsters.

While we’re talking about animals, let’s talk about ants. While I understand it’s difficult to obtain millions of ants and have them attack a stunt double, why did the CGI ants look so terrible? Part of the appeal of using snakes, bugs, and rats in the original trilogy was that they were REAL! It locked viewers in because it was authentic, and we were able to picture ourselves in a dire situation like that—it also helped that the camera tended to focus on the actors’ reactions more than anything. The horribly computer-generated ants were embarrassing and had no emotional effect on the audience. This also applies to the scorpions and the gophers.

The use of green screen during the action scenes (the jungle car chase scene, Mac’s death), the giant explosion at the end, Cate Blanchett’s death scene, the already-mentioned ant scene, the generic-looking UFO, and many other shots solely relied on computer effects. If you don’t believe me, Spielberg estimated a total of 450 computer-generated effects shots for this film. In another Spielberg film, Jurassic Park, the audience went along with it because the dinosaurs looked and felt incredibly real. Spielberg utilized models, robots, and the developing computer effects to create these beasts, and by doing this, created one of the visually greatest films I personally have ever seen. Why not do the same thing with this movie? Miniature and life-size models, makeup effects, stunts, and other movie tricks could have been implemented at any point to improve the look of these scenes AND help to enhance the look of the overall film. This leads us to the action scenes.

The long, tedious action scenes relied more on computer effects and camera tricks than it did on actual stunt work and original ideas. Enough said.

The Acting

Let’s face it, it’s not THAT difficult to play Indiana Jones if you’re Harrison Ford—it doesn’t matter how old you are, because you possess the enthusiasm to play the part. It seemed like halfway through he didn’t even want to be in front of the camera anymore. The only actor who truly delivered was Cate Blanchett. Even though her character was one-dimensional (more on that later), she did the best she could with the script. Hell, she could’ve played Indiana Jones, and Marion, and the ants and done a better job.

The Story/Plot

The mystery, discovery, humor, and adventuresome feel of the original movies were sadly absent through this entire film. The attempts at humor didn't work. Not only that, but the movie lacks the human emotion that made Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade my favorite Indy movie (when Indy’s dad tells “Indiana” to let the Holy Grail go and the music rises to the foreground, it’s truly a beautiful moment). The weak story and lack of interesting, emotional characters is my biggest complaint about this movie.

Firstly, there was no real motivation for Indiana to complete the mission. In Raiders, Indy HAD to find the Ark before the Nazis or else this world would be forced to bow down to Hitler’s brutal army, so there was a lot at stake. The missing children was a good enough reason to discover the temple in the second film. The Last Crusade dealt with preventing the Nazis from a) obtaining his father’s dairy and b) killing his father. These are strong, yet simple plots that worked---the new movie’s jumbled plot doesn’t work whatsoever. Why does Indy HAVE to return the crystal skull to it’s rightful place, and when he does and the UFO flies away, is the world really a better place than it was before? You might say, “Rick, he has to keep the Soviets from obtaining it,” but I disagree. Without Indy, the Soviets wouldn’t succeed in their mission—they needed him to do EVERYTHING it seems. If Indy just left with his friends 2/3 through the movie, everybody would have been fine.

Now to the The UFO/alien plot: I’m speechless! Not only are aliens now in the Indiana Jones world (same world as Star Wars possibly?), but they’re the run of the mill aliens we’ve seen in 121098 other movies. They could have gone in SO many different directions, but they chose the UFO route…how unfortunate. Actually, a friend of mine had an interesting theory.

In the 1980s (when the other Indy movies were released), Reagan was president, and there was a huge upsurge in the Conservative Christian movement. Televangelists and Evangelicals were gaining popularity, and the Indiana Jones films tended to focus on Judeo-Christian artifacts (the Ark, the Holy Grail), but now what is the new popular “religion” in Hollywood? That’s right, Scientology! And who’s running that show? That’s right, Spielberg’s good friend Tom Cruise. So I don’t know…maybe Spielberg’s gone off the deep end too.

Another shame is how they had to spell EVERYTHING out to the audience. When Indy’s friend foresees them going down three waterfalls (suspending one’s disbelief to the MAX is essential in this film), Marion needs Indy to spell it out, as if the audience doesn’t understand. Also, showing us the whole UFO at the very end, besides being incredibly unnecessary, stole all the mystery surrounding the movie’s plot.

What was the point of having Indiana Jones survive a nuclear explosion? Remember that every scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark enhanced the plot in some way or another (including the opening sequence, because it introduces the villain and introduces Indy himself). Trapped in a refrigerator as it flew through the air (the only refrigerator in the whole neighborhood to do so by the way) and bounce down a hill, I felt like the filmmakers were merely mocking the character and style of the original films.

Even though I love Cate Blanchett, her villainous character (along with all of the other “bad guys” in the movie) was incredibly flat and not quite as evil as she could have been. In a cheesy, unnecessary green-screened sword fight sequence with Shia LeBeouf, she can’t even hold up her dueling skills to a Greaser! Also, her character went nowhere with that mind reading skill. All of the other villains/Russians served absolutely no point except to get shot, run over, or killed randomly. The Mayan-looking temple people were in about two minutes of the movie, then were miraculously killed by only three or four of Cate Blanchett’s people. They served no plot purpose whatsoever.

Speaking of Shia, watching him swing like a monkey through the jungle actually made me laugh out loud. Maybe Marion was secretly infected by that monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark and gave birth to a half-man, half-monkey son, because he was alittle TOO good at the swinging. It was painful, though not as painful as hearing Marion tell Indy that Mutt’s his son (a plot element that was painfully obvious from the beginning when he said his mother’s name was Marion).

It was difficult for me to personally roll with the “love story” element of this one, mainly for the reason that these two people chose to not talk to each other for 20 years or so. She seems to fall instantly in love with him again, but if she really loved him, then why did she get married and not tell him about their son? If he REALLY loved her, then he would have simply tried harder to make their relationship work in the past.

The fam goes for a nice drive in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of CGI--err, Crystal Skull

There were plot holes aplenty throughout the entire film. For example, how Indiana suddenly become the Assistant Dean of the college at the very end? What did he do to deserve this honor through the two hour film? The school wouldn't care about the Crystal Skull or the lost city. It makes no sense! There are many more plot holes throughout the movie, but I’ve already written enough.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh, and yes, I know I’m looking into it too closely, but it’s an Indiana Jones movie!

I can somewhat safely say that there are a few (very few) positive elements of this film. The diner scene and the scene with the snake in the jungle both reminded me of classic Indiana Jones moments, and the opening fight sequence in the warehouse where Raiders ended was at least enjoyable (though it was odd that such an important place was guarded by only four or five guards at the gate). They did a halfway decent job at establishing the 1950s tone right from the beginning, but that tone also seemed to vanish during the second half of the film.

It’s just such a shame, because there were extremely talented people involved with this venture, so leaving the theater unsatisfied and frankly somewhat pissed off was not in the night’s plan. Unfortunately though, the ending moments of this film could never surpass four men riding into the sunset at the end of the trilogy. To me, that’s where Indiana Jones’ story will always end.

Graduation!

Graduation caps are such odd pieces of clothing. Apparently the tradition of wearing caps and gowns goes back all the way to the very first university graduation ceremonies held throughout Europe, but seriously what professional thought that it would be a great idea to wear something so absurd as this: