It’s that time of the year again folks. Of course I’m talking about the infamous Shamrock Shakes that are now available at local (select) McDonalds! Nothing says “Happy Saint Patrick’s Day” like a taste of this delicious seasonal drink!
I wait all year for these refreshing green drinks. Now if you’ve never tasted a Shamrock shake before (shame on you), let me take it upon myself to answer the three most frequently asked questions a Shamrock virgin has about these Irish treats:
Question 1: Do they taste good?
A: Are you serious? Who cares! They’re GREEN! Who cares what they taste like? Everything in the world that’s good is green: money, trees, this blog. So YES, they’re good! Even the vomiting that you’ll inevitability experience afterwards tastes like “green.”
Question 2: Are they made of real shamrocks by real leprechauns?
A: You betcha. Leprechauns undoubtedly invented the shamrock flavor, which the current population refers to as the “mint” flavor. They sold their flavor exclusively to the McDonalds Corporation in 1971. This unfortunately caused such atrocities as this ad:
This ad also proved that the leprechauns sold all musical rights concerning the Shamrock Shake to McDonalds too. That’s unfortunate, for the previous Shamrock Shake theme was a drinking song titled, “Ye God Bless Shamrock Shite.”
In 1998 McDonalds voted on relocating their Shamrock shakes entirely to the country of Ireland, and this is why these zesty treats are only available in “select” McDonalds locations. This is an atrocity and a shame. The McDonalds Corporation is obstructing our American right to celebrate Saint Patricks Day properly.
Because McDonalds now doesn’t offer these miraculous Irish beauties in all stores, I’ve supplied the drink’s recipe for you to make on your own. Drink this as a “fuck you” to McDonalds:
2 cups of vanilla ice cream
1 1/3 cups of 2% low-fat milk or soy milk
¼ teaspoon of leprechaun blood
8 drops of shamrock flavoring
Question 3: Can you get drunk off of shamrock shakes?
A: Yes. My first ever real drinking experience was in high school. My friends and I visited a McDonalds on St. Patricks Day because we were too young to visit the local Irish pub. After all four friends spit out their Shamrock Shakes proclaiming, “this tastes like shit,” I took it upon myself to drink all of their Shamrock shakes within a 20 minute time span. I bet my friends that I could get drunk off of them, but they didn’t believe me. To this day, the worst hangover I’ve ever experienced was due to those Shamrock Shakes. Drink Responsibly kids!
In the end, it’s ridiculous that I have to travel from McDonalds to McDonalds in search of these green splendors!
If only they served them at all McDonalds this time of year, I could get some sweet bitches like this guy (ideally ones over 12 though):
