The Magical World of Democracy

Countless United States citizens identify themselves as “Independent voters.” This label signifies the voters’ lack of one-sided Partisan views. Every election, independent voters are forced to make imperative decisions: side with one party over another OR do not vote at all OR waste a vote on the “Independent” on the ballot. The Independents’ vote will surely matter this November, so for anyone with “Independent” friends, let me offer a suggestion.

If your friend cannot decide on the better man in this election, ask him/her this one simple question; allow time to ponder; and if your friend possesses sound judgment, he/she will choose wisely. Ask, “Which one of the candidates would make a better president in the Disney attraction, The Hall of Presidents?"

For almost forty years, parents, children, grandparents, and young-adults-who-want-to-be-children-again take a break from the creative insanity of Disney World and spend thirty or so minutes in reality by sitting through the Hall of Presidents attraction. Now think about it: after watching the always-too-long US History 101 film and being introduced to the creepy 43 animatronic-presidents, would you rather see a dire bald guy completely indistinguishable from the other old white-haired guys, or someone different? I don’t know about you, but I want change (and no, I’m not just saying that because Obama’s black—I think he would genuinely be more interesting than a fake John McCain—shit, the real John McCain isn’t even interesting).

I must confess that the attraction itself is quite delightful. I remember my last Disney World outing when a small group of us decided to all take in the Hall of Presidents presentation. I sat in the theater, pissed, waiting for the lame history lesson to start—I didn’t crave a lecture during my vacation. Little did I know, I was about to take a journey just as wild as any Disney attraction. I not only learned a bit about our history, but I actually met the presidents! Watching Abe Lincoln talk to us, the audience, at this Disney attraction is as close to magic one will ever get while sober—and it was incredible.

The Hall of Presidents helped launch Disney World’s opening day in 1971, so it’s officially the park’s oldest attraction. It was taken from an idea originally stemmed from the mind of Walt Disney himself. After changes through the years, the attraction is better than ever. It’s even now a tradition for the current president to record his fake robot’s speech. How great is that? I can picture Disney’s Imagineers trying to make George Bush’s fucked-up speech sound intelligible for the millions of visitors.

If Johnny McCain’s elected, then 50 years from now, he’ll certainly become one of those presidents whose name’s announced and everyone in the audience thinks, “I’ve never heard of him before.”
“Oh, he was that old guy who died, right after a week or two, right?” (John McCain, the 21st Century’s Zachary Taylor.)