According to Fox News and the Washington Post, admitting to that special person (or former special person) that you inadvertently gave him/her a sexually transmitted disease has never been easier! You don't have to talk to them! You can even do so anonymously. inSPOT, an internet service already used by over 30,000 cowards, allows individuals to alert sexual partners of recent roadblocks in their relationship...roadblocks including (but not limited to) syphilis, gonorrhea, HIV, and other diseases so dirty that Fox News won't report them.
In some ways this is a resounding resource. Many rightfully embarrassed folks whimper and shy away from disclosing that their partner's little genital herpes outbreak didn't just mysteriously appear; but perhaps if admitted anonymously to belittle any awkwardness, people can actually be informed and treated before symptoms get worse.
On the other hand, this disclosure method plays out like a grandiose trick. I forgot to mention that these "oh, by the way" notices are sent via e-mail...specifically, via e-cards. Imagine arriving home and plopping onto the couch with your trusty laptop to check e-mails. Oh look, an E-greeting! Nice! Somebody cares about me. A birthday greeting? Maybe an "I love you?" You then open the card to discover a cute teddy bear (perhaps wearing a bow tie for good measure) dancing to an obnoxious Teletubbies-like theme song as bubbly text spins onto the screen revealing your new case of chlamydia. The bear is now the least of your worries. Oh. Chlamydia. Just what I always wanted. You'll surely be paranoid when opening e-mails for the rest of your life.
Unfortunately the private information disclosed through this service is confidential, so doctors can't state whether it's actually lowering STD rates. Common sense tells me that this e-mail option can certainly help though--especially with younger people who may be too embarrassed to bring up the subject, for it's better to be a pussy than be an asshole and a pussy. I just hope that I don't receive an e-mail with the subject line, "E-card from a concerned friend re: your health via inSPOT" anytime soon. If I do, let's just hope it's April 1st.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I Went to Bed with a Friend and All I Got was This Lousy E-mail
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My Day at Work...in Haikus
Morning sleepy droll
No-coffee fever hits me.
Tepid tea will do.
Blank screen is the best
Monitor reflection…oooo
Staring at my face
Log into Outlook.
Inbox e-mail—delete all
The SPAM blocker sucks
Breakfast bagels yea!
Then they crumble in my hands.
Piece of shit bagels.
Sitting at my desk
Engrossed in horrid boredom
Need a bathroom break
I hate work bathrooms.
Refuse to piss near my boss.
Uh oh, bladder-shy.
Another project!
Oracle, Radix, Access
All of my favorites :-(
Three projects finished.
And it’s still early. Woohoo!
Now I have nothing.
Three projects assigned.
But I accept the challenge.
Give me three hours.
My boss summons me.
I’m offered a promotion.
But it’s out-of-town.
Should I relocate?
It’s not the job that I want.
So I should just pass.
The room fills with jokes.
Dirty jokes. Mine went too far.
This always happens.
I’m ready to leave.
But I still have two hours.
Clocks can’t tick faster.
Yum! Another snack.
Rotten apple in my bag.
Acerbity blues
At last, time speeds up!
The day ends. Others rejoice.
Tomorrow creeps up.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
My Asian Problem
It's recently come to my attention that I've never met an Asian lesbian. Okay, granted, yes, I've probably met tons of Asian lesbians through the years, but perhaps they could have introduced themselves better...better in that they divulge their private life to me in a matter of minutes, of course.
I contemplate the demographic--how many are there? I'm confident that a simple google search for "Asian lesbian" would result in a ton of porn sites, so obviously there's a large number of them out there, AND a huge demographic of fans, but I'm not going to search because I'm not interested in Asian lesbian porn in the slightest. I simply desire to befriend at least one Asian lesbian.
I have met Japanese and Chinese gay guys, so it's obviously not an Asian thing. Perhaps I'm looking in all the wrong places?
Granted it's not a big deal, though it ranks up with my abject lack of close black friends. My desired multi-cultural friendship base is dwindling.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Miss Meggy likes My Favorite Band. Yeah!
On the other hand, last night, my love for you rendered these minor complaints pointless, for you published an article that impacted me in a somewhat unexpectedly-hilarious fashion. Apparently John McCain’s daughter, Meghan McCain, has her own blog. So what’s a good Republican girl talk about these days? Well apparently she has a somewhat decent taste in music…not only a decent taste (she loves the Klaxons, Le Tigre, Cibo Matto, among others), but a love for none other than my most favorite, favorite band: Stereolab (see picture).
While commenting on her father’s debate with that other guy, what’s-his-name, she tastefully noted that her “Song of the Day” at debate time was “Ping Pong” by Stereolab. It gets better! Pitchfork, quite intelligently noted the first thought that popped into my head: has this girl ever listened to their lyrics?? Sterolab’s lyrics (the ones I can understand that aren’t in French) not only stray from John McCain’s personality, John McCain’s values, and John McCain in general, but out of all songs she chose to jam while watching her father’s debate, she chose “Ping Pong,” a song that woefully regards dire economies, unjust wars, job loss, and Capitalist mess-ups. Maybe she should have chosen one of their many French songs.
Here are the lyrics to “Ping Pong”:
it's alright right 'cos the historical pattern has shown
This is actually hilarious. Pitchfork notes that her "Song of the Day" tends to reflect her actual posts, so seriously, what is this girl trying to say? Is John McCain’s family speaking their true Marxist agenda through innocent Meghan's Stereolab songs, or is this girl just intellectually over-sarcastic?
Here’s a link to her post: http://mccainblogette.com/postings/092908_0845.shtml.
Her site’s actually quite interesting, though not as interesting as Cindy McCain’s wardrobe choices lately (see pictures).
