I Went to Bed with a Friend and All I Got was This Lousy E-mail

According to Fox News and the Washington Post, admitting to that special person (or former special person) that you inadvertently gave him/her a sexually transmitted disease has never been easier! You don't have to talk to them! You can even do so anonymously. inSPOT, an internet service already used by over 30,000 cowards, allows individuals to alert sexual partners of recent roadblocks in their relationship...roadblocks including (but not limited to) syphilis, gonorrhea, HIV, and other diseases so dirty that Fox News won't report them.

In some ways this is a resounding resource. Many rightfully embarrassed folks whimper and shy away from disclosing that their partner's little genital herpes outbreak didn't just mysteriously appear; but perhaps if admitted anonymously to belittle any awkwardness, people can actually be informed and treated before symptoms get worse.

On the other hand, this disclosure method plays out like a grandiose trick. I forgot to mention that these "oh, by the way" notices are sent via e-mail...specifically, via e-cards. Imagine arriving home and plopping onto the couch with your trusty laptop to check e-mails. Oh look, an E-greeting! Nice! Somebody cares about me. A birthday greeting? Maybe an "I love you?" You then open the card to discover a cute teddy bear (perhaps wearing a bow tie for good measure) dancing to an obnoxious Teletubbies-like theme song as bubbly text spins onto the screen revealing your new case of chlamydia. The bear is now the least of your worries. Oh. Chlamydia. Just what I always wanted. You'll surely be paranoid when opening e-mails for the rest of your life.

Unfortunately the private information disclosed through this service is confidential, so doctors can't state whether it's actually lowering STD rates. Common sense tells me that this e-mail option can certainly help though--especially with younger people who may be too embarrassed to bring up the subject, for it's better to be a pussy than be an asshole and a pussy. I just hope that I don't receive an e-mail with the subject line, "E-card from a concerned friend re: your health via inSPOT" anytime soon. If I do, let's just hope it's April 1st.