Haircut History

I left my office at five and drove to the mall: I needed a haircut. I treat my hair to a shortening once every two months, and I prefer someplace that isn't too expensive but maintains a respectable reputation filled with dignity and “pizzazz.” After giving the woman in front my name, I had to wait. I love waiting for a haircut, because while seated in the designated area, I silently scope the scene and mentally choose who I hope will cut my hair. That one woman looks like she has style; I'd place her in charge of my hair follicles. It looks like I could be friends with that other woman; I hope SHE cuts my hair. The woman I got stuck with this time was my very last choice in the room. She must have sensed this, because she gave me a humiliating haircut.

I grew up going to a barber. He was a neighbor of mine and a really nice older man. Unlike most older people, he didn't mind noise…in fact, he was elated to work on his garden or cut his grass while listening to my (often) feeble attempts at playing the loud drum set in my room. His noise acceptance earned himself a loyal customer--until I became a teenager. The problem with barbers is that instructions are pointless, for they give you the exact same haircut every time. Before the cut: “Can I have it spiked on the top, and slightly shorter on the sides?” After the cut: “Ohh…you gave me a regular men's haircut.--just what I wanted.”
During my teenage years, I cosmetologically experimented a bit. I was literally the first boy in my school to dye his hair blonde. Now I was a somewhat shy kid, but I enjoyed the attention. What eventually pissed me off was not the random older kids who taunted me by uttering “fag” in the hall as I passed (because streaked blonde hair and an earring automatically equals “fag” to redneck high schoolers). If anything, I appreciated their honesty, but three months later, those same kids streaked their hair too! This was unacceptable.
I abandoned blonde and tried orange, but it just wasn't 'controversial' enough for my tastes, so I sadly tried polluting my hair with non-permanent blue dye. The problem with non-permanent hair coloring is you shampoo it once and the hair transforms from a solid tone to a vomity-looking tint. I wasn't trying to be “punk” or even “cool”--that didn't interest me at the time. I simply possessed the whole “trying to be an individual” personality; except unlike punks or goths or any other sub-culture group who ironically fulfill their “individuality” by dressing like everyone else in their sub-cultured group, I decided to try and find my own thing.
I settled on short black-colored hair. It was a great move, and it suited me for years, but by the end of my freshmen year of college, the emo craze ruined yet another well-suited hair color. I tried a subtle red, but quickly decided that my hair coloring days were over.
There was also one very short time where I tried growing facial hair. I detested it. It was completely unstable and looked like tiny scattered brown pubic hairs barely growing across my face. I don't trust people with facial hair anyways (people who intentionally grow facial hair…not lazy folks who don't shave for a few days), so I decided early on that it's something I'll never pursue again.
Instead of coloring, I grew my hair out and settled for a semi-annual haircut. This shaggy look lasted two years until my thyroid disease began causing my hair to thin, so by the time my study abroad trip began, my haircut was depressingly semi-normal.

My thyroid disease is to blame for this horrible haircut I received at the mall, because the woman cutting my hair (she looked young, but admitted that she's almost forty) thought it would be a grand idea to talk about her thyroid problems while cutting. Bad call--for I think she concentrated more on coaxing medically-related information from me than she did on my haircut. I'm personally not a fan of conversing with hair stylists while they cut my hair. Though it makes the day go faster for them I'm sure, I'd rather they leave me alone. Don't get me wrong, talking to people, especially strangers, is really cool, but not when they have a job to do.
My sideburns weren't matching in length; the hair on the sides of my head was too short and didn't match the hair on the top. She didn't even ask me if I approved of the cut--she simply continued talking about her hypothyroid problems, even as we walked to the register. I tried many times to end the conversation, but she answered my attempts with more questions. If anything, she should have paid me, for she surely left the session with more insight and information than I did.
Of course I could have told her that I wasn't satisfied with the haircut, but then she would have cut even more off and make it worse--and it would have been shorter, which takes longer to grow back. As soon as I arrived home I grabbed a pair of scissors and a hair trimmer, locked myself in the bathroom, and finished the job.
I was fairly surprised with the job I did---it looks great! I even got positive comments on my new haircut. “It looks awesome! Who cut your hair?”

MOVIES: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Be careful for spoilers—they’re everywhere!

As a kid, I was in love with the Indiana Jones films. Unlike most Lucas fans, I actually preferred the Jones trilogy over the Star Wars trilogy, and rather than viewing Sean Connery as James Bond, I always saw him as Dr. Henry Jones.
Like most 20-something guys, I was certainly excited to experience the new chapter in Indy’s story with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. After viewing it, the closest way to express my opinion is through the words of my friend Steve:

“Watching the movie, I felt like Indiana in the refrigerator. The entire franchise was being nuked, and I was helplessly stuck in the fridge, rolling down a steep hill.”

You’re probably thinking, “Well, like many people, your expectations were obviously too high going into the film.” My expectations were NOT too high. I wasn’t expecting a masterpiece, but the almost 20-year gap left the filmmakers with enough time to develop a great story, and I was at least anticipating some fun, adventure, comedy, and entertaining action sequences. What George Lucas and Steven Spielberg left us with was a technically-flawed film, a weak story, tedious action sequences, flat acting, horrible CGI effects, and too many plotholes. Let’s examine each one of these categories and allow me to explain myself before you quickly disregard my harsh opinion.

The Technical Aspects

Technical blunders occur throughout the original three Indiana Jones films. Continuity mistakes can be brushed aside in the first three, so I’ll completely skip these in order to concentrate on some of the larger issues, firstly the cinematography.

Cinematographer Janusz Kaminski shot the film. Now Mr. Kaminski has shot such films as Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, and Minority Report, so there’s no arguing that this two-time Oscar winner knows what he’s doing. With that said, why is this film so horribly lit? I’m certainly not a cinematographer, but I know bad lighting when I see it, and one simply has to watch the entire first scene of dialogue to notice that the “outside scene” was filmed on a soundstage under tons of lights. There’s nothing wrong with shooting on a soundstage, but the audience shouldn’t be able to realize this fact.

With the original films, the viewer follows Indy from a distance through his adventures. We’re with him every step of the way, and camera focuses on the actual action taking place instead of trying to over-complicate things. This film’s distracting camera movements during action sequences completely delude the franchise’s look--they resembled the action sequences from Minority Report than anything. If I wanted to see crazy camera movements, I’d go see Speed Racer instead.

Not only does Spielberg continuously work with a great cinematographer, but he also employs perhaps the greatest living film composer on the planet: Mr. John Williams. His scores are constantly engaging and flawless, yet The Crystal Skull felt like random, boring musical snippets from the older films. Even the Temple of Doom score employs new themes and interesting middle eastern/Indian influences—in this one he more or less just goes through the motions and employs no creativity whatsoever.

The CGI Effects

Steven Spielberg promised us that he would only use CGI when absolutely necessary. He lied.

Was it “absolutely necessary" to create CGI gophers at the beginning of the film? First of all, there was no reason to show these animals in the first place! Secondly, they couldn’t find real animals? Almost 100 years of filmmaking relied on using actual animals onscreen until this ungodly “everything has to be CGI age.” They looked like computer-generated Star Wars monsters.

While we’re talking about animals, let’s talk about ants. While I understand it’s difficult to obtain millions of ants and have them attack a stunt double, why did the CGI ants look so terrible? Part of the appeal of using snakes, bugs, and rats in the original trilogy was that they were REAL! It locked viewers in because it was authentic, and we were able to picture ourselves in a dire situation like that—it also helped that the camera tended to focus on the actors’ reactions more than anything. The horribly computer-generated ants were embarrassing and had no emotional effect on the audience. This also applies to the scorpions and the gophers.

The use of green screen during the action scenes (the jungle car chase scene, Mac’s death), the giant explosion at the end, Cate Blanchett’s death scene, the already-mentioned ant scene, the generic-looking UFO, and many other shots solely relied on computer effects. If you don’t believe me, Spielberg estimated a total of 450 computer-generated effects shots for this film. In another Spielberg film, Jurassic Park, the audience went along with it because the dinosaurs looked and felt incredibly real. Spielberg utilized models, robots, and the developing computer effects to create these beasts, and by doing this, created one of the visually greatest films I personally have ever seen. Why not do the same thing with this movie? Miniature and life-size models, makeup effects, stunts, and other movie tricks could have been implemented at any point to improve the look of these scenes AND help to enhance the look of the overall film. This leads us to the action scenes.

The long, tedious action scenes relied more on computer effects and camera tricks than it did on actual stunt work and original ideas. Enough said.

The Acting

Let’s face it, it’s not THAT difficult to play Indiana Jones if you’re Harrison Ford—it doesn’t matter how old you are, because you possess the enthusiasm to play the part. It seemed like halfway through he didn’t even want to be in front of the camera anymore. The only actor who truly delivered was Cate Blanchett. Even though her character was one-dimensional (more on that later), she did the best she could with the script. Hell, she could’ve played Indiana Jones, and Marion, and the ants and done a better job.

The Story/Plot

The mystery, discovery, humor, and adventuresome feel of the original movies were sadly absent through this entire film. The attempts at humor didn't work. Not only that, but the movie lacks the human emotion that made Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade my favorite Indy movie (when Indy’s dad tells “Indiana” to let the Holy Grail go and the music rises to the foreground, it’s truly a beautiful moment). The weak story and lack of interesting, emotional characters is my biggest complaint about this movie.

Firstly, there was no real motivation for Indiana to complete the mission. In Raiders, Indy HAD to find the Ark before the Nazis or else this world would be forced to bow down to Hitler’s brutal army, so there was a lot at stake. The missing children was a good enough reason to discover the temple in the second film. The Last Crusade dealt with preventing the Nazis from a) obtaining his father’s dairy and b) killing his father. These are strong, yet simple plots that worked---the new movie’s jumbled plot doesn’t work whatsoever. Why does Indy HAVE to return the crystal skull to it’s rightful place, and when he does and the UFO flies away, is the world really a better place than it was before? You might say, “Rick, he has to keep the Soviets from obtaining it,” but I disagree. Without Indy, the Soviets wouldn’t succeed in their mission—they needed him to do EVERYTHING it seems. If Indy just left with his friends 2/3 through the movie, everybody would have been fine.

Now to the The UFO/alien plot: I’m speechless! Not only are aliens now in the Indiana Jones world (same world as Star Wars possibly?), but they’re the run of the mill aliens we’ve seen in 121098 other movies. They could have gone in SO many different directions, but they chose the UFO route…how unfortunate. Actually, a friend of mine had an interesting theory.

In the 1980s (when the other Indy movies were released), Reagan was president, and there was a huge upsurge in the Conservative Christian movement. Televangelists and Evangelicals were gaining popularity, and the Indiana Jones films tended to focus on Judeo-Christian artifacts (the Ark, the Holy Grail), but now what is the new popular “religion” in Hollywood? That’s right, Scientology! And who’s running that show? That’s right, Spielberg’s good friend Tom Cruise. So I don’t know…maybe Spielberg’s gone off the deep end too.

Another shame is how they had to spell EVERYTHING out to the audience. When Indy’s friend foresees them going down three waterfalls (suspending one’s disbelief to the MAX is essential in this film), Marion needs Indy to spell it out, as if the audience doesn’t understand. Also, showing us the whole UFO at the very end, besides being incredibly unnecessary, stole all the mystery surrounding the movie’s plot.

What was the point of having Indiana Jones survive a nuclear explosion? Remember that every scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark enhanced the plot in some way or another (including the opening sequence, because it introduces the villain and introduces Indy himself). Trapped in a refrigerator as it flew through the air (the only refrigerator in the whole neighborhood to do so by the way) and bounce down a hill, I felt like the filmmakers were merely mocking the character and style of the original films.

Even though I love Cate Blanchett, her villainous character (along with all of the other “bad guys” in the movie) was incredibly flat and not quite as evil as she could have been. In a cheesy, unnecessary green-screened sword fight sequence with Shia LeBeouf, she can’t even hold up her dueling skills to a Greaser! Also, her character went nowhere with that mind reading skill. All of the other villains/Russians served absolutely no point except to get shot, run over, or killed randomly. The Mayan-looking temple people were in about two minutes of the movie, then were miraculously killed by only three or four of Cate Blanchett’s people. They served no plot purpose whatsoever.

Speaking of Shia, watching him swing like a monkey through the jungle actually made me laugh out loud. Maybe Marion was secretly infected by that monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark and gave birth to a half-man, half-monkey son, because he was alittle TOO good at the swinging. It was painful, though not as painful as hearing Marion tell Indy that Mutt’s his son (a plot element that was painfully obvious from the beginning when he said his mother’s name was Marion).

It was difficult for me to personally roll with the “love story” element of this one, mainly for the reason that these two people chose to not talk to each other for 20 years or so. She seems to fall instantly in love with him again, but if she really loved him, then why did she get married and not tell him about their son? If he REALLY loved her, then he would have simply tried harder to make their relationship work in the past.

The fam goes for a nice drive in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of CGI--err, Crystal Skull

There were plot holes aplenty throughout the entire film. For example, how Indiana suddenly become the Assistant Dean of the college at the very end? What did he do to deserve this honor through the two hour film? The school wouldn't care about the Crystal Skull or the lost city. It makes no sense! There are many more plot holes throughout the movie, but I’ve already written enough.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh, and yes, I know I’m looking into it too closely, but it’s an Indiana Jones movie!

I can somewhat safely say that there are a few (very few) positive elements of this film. The diner scene and the scene with the snake in the jungle both reminded me of classic Indiana Jones moments, and the opening fight sequence in the warehouse where Raiders ended was at least enjoyable (though it was odd that such an important place was guarded by only four or five guards at the gate). They did a halfway decent job at establishing the 1950s tone right from the beginning, but that tone also seemed to vanish during the second half of the film.

It’s just such a shame, because there were extremely talented people involved with this venture, so leaving the theater unsatisfied and frankly somewhat pissed off was not in the night’s plan. Unfortunately though, the ending moments of this film could never surpass four men riding into the sunset at the end of the trilogy. To me, that’s where Indiana Jones’ story will always end.

Graduation!

Graduation caps are such odd pieces of clothing. Apparently the tradition of wearing caps and gowns goes back all the way to the very first university graduation ceremonies held throughout Europe, but seriously what professional thought that it would be a great idea to wear something so absurd as this:

Lesbos

The beautiful volcanic Greek island of Lesbos, located in the North Aegean Sea, is the home of approximately 100,000 people. Its rocky beaches provide scenic spots for submarine fishing; the island’s rich cultivation of olive trees successfully stimulates the economy through the selling of olive oil; and the stunningly beautiful capital of Mytilene houses the island’s official football team, the Aiolikos. This island would be a truly perfect paradise…if it weren’t for all the damn Lesbians.

The island is completely filled with Lesbians. Now before any drunken frat brothers begin celebrating, one must first understand that the term “Lesbian” is what the people of Lesbos refer to themselves as. So every Lesbo citizen is a Lesbian. As one can easily imagine, problems are bound to arise.

According to Yahoo News, three islanders are currently suing the ‘Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece’ due to the organization’s use of the word ‘lesbian’ in their title. One plaintiff claims that it "insults the identity" of the people of Lesbos. "My sister can't say she is a Lesbian," said Dimitris Lambrou. "Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos." he said. The Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece has sadly not issued an apology yet to Dimitris’ sister.

If the Gay/Lesbian Community hasn’t embarrassed them enough, the island is also the prime tourist spot for Lesbian (gay) couples. Gay women first “steal” their name, AND THEN they help stimulate the economy with thousands of dollars spent on tourism. The nerve! So basically the island’s chief economic stimulants are both olive oil and gay women. Soon they’ll find some reason to be pissed at olive oil too. (It’ll probably have something to due to their genuine hatred of oil lamps.)

These will be outlawed soon enough. Give it time.

I believe that the people of Lesbos are simply just craving some attention from the rest of the world. Their island has been trapped in the closet for too long…they have pride in their heritage, and not only do they want everyone in world to know, but they also want to shove it in our faces. They have an agenda: they demand that others learn their Lesbian history, and it seems that one easy way to accomplish this is to protest a politically correct term used in an organization’s name.

On the other hand, there are many islanders who don’t possess this natural “pride.” Too many insecure people inhabit this island—people who don’t want others to learn of their true Lesbianism. They obviously feel ashamed. Even though poet Sappho (a Lesbian in more ways than one) helped put this island on the map back in 7th Century BC, they still don’t want others to know their “secret”…the “secret” being the island, of course. If these bashful people don’t take action soon, then the world (as close-minded as it is) will not hear the true voices of Lesbos!

In order to help these shameful Lesbo citizens, I propose that they view this video, which shows what they must do when someone is prejudice towards their heritage:

Pittsburgh: Now We're the Most Polluted City!

Look at that city! Beautiful, isn't it? According to scientists, it's disgusting.

Reported by TIME and ABC News, Pittsburgh is now hailed as the most polluted city in the United States, beating out Los Angeles for the first time. YEAH!!! We won at something!!!

This is honestly surprising. Pittsburgh fifty years ago would surely make the top of the list with all of the old steel mills and such--but those were black and white picture days. Now??! ABC News indicates that it’s the "short-term particle solution" that’s causing all of the trouble in Pittsburgh. It’s embarrassing: we’re not only a town full of alcoholics and football maniacs, but now we’re dirty too!

Rest assured though, because hidden in the ABC News article, I found the actual source of our so-called “pollution problem”:

“Although much of the country may have a stereotype of Pittsburgh as a blue collar, steel mill town, Leikauf says that's no longer the case. According to him, more than 80 percent of western Pennsylvania's particulate matter actually drifts from Ohio power plants.”

There you have it! OUR pollution problem is OHIO’s fault. I’m not a football fan by any means (I haven't watched a game in years), but I am familiar with the rivalry between the Cleveland Browns and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Obviously the Ohio fans have taken the rivalry to heart, for now they’re trying to kill us with their “particulate matter.” If they can’t beat us, they’ll kill us I tell you.

Oh the city celebrated THEN...but the Cleveland fans will have the last laugh.

The Infamous Presidential Race

Journalists, political analysts, the media, and presidential candidates alike all promised the American people, last March, that the deciding state in the competitive Democratic candidate race would come down to Pennsylvania. We (the American people) believed it. On this extensive, six-week road to “victory,” candidates coped with everything from religious controversies, to sniper fantasies, to “bitter” arguments, to negative television ads, to inevitable endorsements (unfortunately Barack Obama got stuck with Michael Moore’s endorsement). What laid ahead of us at the end of this prized road to victory? Absolutely nothing.

Both candidates are still running. The race is still close. Hillary Clinton certainly benefited with a few extra points, but most agree that Obama will still emerge victorious. Nothing has changed, yet millions of Pennsylvanians left the confines of their homes to scuttle out and vote on April 22nd. What happened? What factors influenced Democratic voters through this elongated primary season? The issues? The policies? The promises? It certainly doesn’t seem so. At an Obama rally at the Peterson Events Center in Pittsburgh, Obama himself even admitted, “Senator Clinton and I really aren’t that different. We have many of the same ideas for this country.” When examining their policies, this appears true.

So if both candidates are so similar, how can one explain that, according to both CNN and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, over 60% of Hillary supporters would be angry if Obama got the nomination; 27% of them would vote for McCain instead; while 17% would refused to vote all together. Almost half of Obama’s supporters express similar statements about Senator Clinton, and 17% outright refuse to vote for her if she wins the primary (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/22/pennsylvania-exit-polls-p_n_98069.html). Granted, by the time October and November roll around, numerous Democrats will no longer be sore losers, and many will change there minds (as long as they aren’t the ones who still flaunt their 2004 Kerry/Edwards bumper stickers…REALLY sore losers), but it’s still interesting that both candidates’ views are so similar, yet their supporters tend to hate the opposing Democratic contender. Are voters examining the candidates’ ideas, or are they merely judging them by their physical features: race, gender, looks, etc? I go with the latter.

We live in an age where looks mean everything. Even with a contest like ‘American Idol,’ people tend to vote for whoever looks the best or has the most endearing personality…rather than a vote for the most talented (with the exception of Kelly Clarkson, who has proven that she possesses all of these qualities). The same can be said with the presidential campaign. Think about it: Hillary Clinton is sixty years old. She can get a senior discount on the Denny’s menu for peat’s sake! Everyone would agree that she looks really great for her age, but imagine if she had gray hair, wrinkles, and donned more conservative apparel—would she garner as many votes? Even if she wore a dress instead of a female business casual outfit everyday would she receive as many votes? Probably not, because she’d look too feminine, and throughout history, the presidential role has always been a male role—especially today, when it seems that most Americans want someone who’s tough.

Though it seems she did forget to take her old lady meds in this photo.

Now the media and everyday people continue to note that it’s so great and “unprecedented” that we have a white woman and a black man running for president. My argument is simply this: who cares!?!

If anything, we should be ashamed that it’s taken us this long to have a woman and a black man so close to being sworn in to office. A woman leading the country is an incredibly new idea—right? Well, Margaret Thatcher became the United Kingdom’s Prime Minister in 1979. Yes, 1979-almost thirty years ago. Canada also had a female Prime Minister…in 1993. Iceland was ruled by its female president, Vigdis Finnbogadottir, for sixteen years. Han Myung Sook was South Korea’s Prime Minister two years ago. New Zealand possessed a female prime minister for almost ten years. Benazir Bhutto was prime minister of Pakistan from 1988-1990 and 1993-1996. Mary Robinson and Mary McAleese both served as president of Ireland throughout the 1990s. Tarja Kaarina Halonen became Finland’s president in 2000. Golda Meir was the prime minister of Israel in the late 1960s (interestingly enough she was originally from Milwaukee), and India has a current female leader in President Pratibha Patil. I shouldn’t even mention the hundreds of years of queens, empresses, and monarchies throughout England, Italy, Denmark, Netherlands, Egypt, Spain, Japan, Sri Lanka, Russia, Scotland, Brazil, Sweden, Cambodia, and many others. What’s the point? The point is that our country thrives itself on being a world leader, yet when it comes to race, gender, sexuality, and females leading the country, we’re far behind the rest of the world (with the exception of Saudi Arabia). Should we celebrate the possibility of a female president? No, we should be embarrassed that there hasn’t been one yet.

-

Even the Enterprise had a female captain!

Now Mr. Obama, he’s obviously a black man. If it were 1955 and he was running for President, THEN I’d probably make a big deal about it and celebrate the fact that a black man can run for president---not in 2008 though. They say we’ve come a long way, but it doesn’t quite seem so if we’re making a big deal about race (maybe THIS is what his Pastor was talking about (when he wasn't talking crazy)). Twenty percent of Pennsylvania voters determined race as an important factor in their vote (http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2008/04/22/exit-polls-race-gender-play-role/). Even though I can clearly understand why many black voters would feel pride in voting for the black man, and they should, but there’s more to the picture than that. Can most of these voters describe his policies? His beliefs? What about Hillary Clinton’s policies and beliefs, because remember, one SHOULD examine both sides before making an informed decision. Do most of these voters know what Hillary Clinton’s healthcare plan is? How about Senator Obama’s? In case you don’t know, both plans are nearly identical—even Clinton admitted that, "ninety-five percent of our health care plan is similar."

Both candidates want to reform immigration similarly. Both have plans of spending over $150 billion dollars towards energy through the next ten years. Both have parallel ideas with the current housing problem, along with education, retirement, foreign policy, and taxes. So should voters factor in the candidates’ personalities? Of course they should—that’s probably what the Indiana and North Carolina votes are going to come down to. But there should also be more concern with what these candidates actually believe in.

It’s going to come down to one person representing the Democrats in November. Since both candidates are so similar, why turn to the other side like so many voters claim they will do? Grow up. Don’t s base an opinion solely on race or gender; base it on who can run the country better. After seeing both Barack Obama and President Bill Clinton speak, I safely say that there isn’t a “bad” candidate.

Awwwwe!!

Kiss Me! I'm an Irish Milkshake!

It’s that time of the year again folks. Of course I’m talking about the infamous Shamrock Shakes that are now available at local (select) McDonalds! Nothing says “Happy Saint Patrick’s Day” like a taste of this delicious seasonal drink!

I wait all year for these refreshing green drinks. Now if you’ve never tasted a Shamrock shake before (shame on you), let me take it upon myself to answer the three most frequently asked questions a Shamrock virgin has about these Irish treats:

Question 1: Do they taste good?

A: Are you serious? Who cares! They’re GREEN! Who cares what they taste like? Everything in the world that’s good is green: money, trees, this blog. So YES, they’re good! Even the vomiting that you’ll inevitability experience afterwards tastes like “green.”

Question 2: Are they made of real shamrocks by real leprechauns?

A: You betcha. Leprechauns undoubtedly invented the shamrock flavor, which the current population refers to as the “mint” flavor. They sold their flavor exclusively to the McDonalds Corporation in 1971. This unfortunately caused such atrocities as this ad:

This ad also proved that the leprechauns sold all musical rights concerning the Shamrock Shake to McDonalds too. That’s unfortunate, for the previous Shamrock Shake theme was a drinking song titled, “Ye God Bless Shamrock Shite.”

In 1998 McDonalds voted on relocating their Shamrock shakes entirely to the country of Ireland, and this is why these zesty treats are only available in “select” McDonalds locations. This is an atrocity and a shame. The McDonalds Corporation is obstructing our American right to celebrate Saint Patricks Day properly.

Because McDonalds now doesn’t offer these miraculous Irish beauties in all stores, I’ve supplied the drink’s recipe for you to make on your own. Drink this as a “fuck you” to McDonalds:

2 cups of vanilla ice cream
1 1/3 cups of 2% low-fat milk or soy milk
¼ teaspoon of leprechaun blood
8 drops of shamrock flavoring

Question 3: Can you get drunk off of shamrock shakes?

A: Yes. My first ever real drinking experience was in high school. My friends and I visited a McDonalds on St. Patricks Day because we were too young to visit the local Irish pub. After all four friends spit out their Shamrock Shakes proclaiming, “this tastes like shit,” I took it upon myself to drink all of their Shamrock shakes within a 20 minute time span. I bet my friends that I could get drunk off of them, but they didn’t believe me. To this day, the worst hangover I’ve ever experienced was due to those Shamrock Shakes. Drink Responsibly kids!

In the end, it’s ridiculous that I have to travel from McDonalds to McDonalds in search of these green splendors!

If only they served them at all McDonalds this time of year, I could get some sweet bitches like this guy (ideally ones over 12 though):

The New Sinus Remedy (caution: somewhat disgusting)

Sinus problems have unfortunately plagued me for the past few years. Though I used to be fine, the annoyingly frequent sinus infections worsened to a point where I’d get a few infections every year—usually accompanying a cold, and usually leaving me bed ridden. Different medicines and antibiotics have been prescribed through the past two years or so, but none have offered me any substantial success…so you can imagine my reaction when, last week, instead of prescribing me another worthless pill, my doctor brought a plastic transparent bottle and some packets of powder into the examining room for me to take home.
“Now I don’t recommend this to everyone, but you seem like the kind of person who would like this.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Or that’s what I wanted to say. Instead, I happily accepted a new hopeful remedy to my constant sinus problem. He instructed me to read the directions (a booklet of about 25 pages), try it out, and let him know if this works. I tried it out yesterday for the first time and have some news to report.

Though I love reading (I’ve done plenty of it recently), a 25-page instruction booklet was a little ridiculous…that’s not even good bathroom reading material. Instead, I read the condensed instructions printed on the side of the bottle.

Basically this 8oz plastic bottle needs filled with 8oz of distilled, hot water; the packet of powder (the actual medicine) must be poured and mixed in with the water. Now the interesting part: I have to rest one nostril on the bottle opening (it’s shaped to do this) and gently squeeze the bottle of water/medicine while inhaling, until the medication travels up one nasal passage and dispenses itself either out of the other nostril OR out of my mouth. I, obviously, must continue to breathe while doing this or else I’ll drown. After completing this step, I blow my nose into a tissue (though I can’t “pinch” my nose while doing so, or else I’ll “blow out an eardrum”). I repeat these steps for the other nostril, thus utilizing 4oz per nostril. I feel like I’m snorting a liquid version of crack or something.

I was actually uncomfortably excited about trying this, so I boiled some water, poured it in the bottle, mixed the powder in, stood over my sink, and began ingesting this toxin I had just created. Sufficient to say, the 8 ounces of water, the medicine, and plenty of other shit that was clogged up my nasal passage all drained out…either from my mouth or from my nose. And yes, it burned.
It worked though. I have never felt so clear, but I was also woozy as hell, so instead of departing to meet a friend in Oakland like I was supposed to, I was forced to lay down for 20 minutes.

Even though my nasal passage and my throat felt completely clear for once (I honestly couldn’t wait to try this ingenious process again), I discovered an unfortunate side effect later that evening.
After my late afternoon/evening in Oakland, I arrived to my parents’ house and offered to walk one of their dogs, Sofie, the big Burmese Mountain dog. As I leaned over to pet the dog, me AND the dog were both stunned as water and nasal juice quickly shot out of my nose all over the poor dog’s face.
I darted towards the bathroom—leaving a trail of nasal drippage along the way and began covering my nose with tissues. This did very little to help. After going through a couple of tissues, I ran up to examine this instructional booklet I earlier failed to read. I successfully found, “May cause nasal leakage after immediate use” written under “Side Effects.” Nasal leakage? More like a nasal waterfall.
Now I’m nervous as hell. I’m going to be out with friends, or simply out walking the dog, and water will begin to leak out of my face. It’ll be embarrassing, I’m sure; I’m just warning you all.

SUMMER MOVIES!

Ok, so this summer...a new Batman movie...and new Indiana Jones movie...and if that wasn't enough, a new X-Files movie!?!!! Seriously, my entire childhood all smashed into one summer!

The only thing that would make it complete would be a new Jurassic Park, but let's face it, it would probably suck (just like the last two), so I think we're ok.

Plus the new Pixar movie about the robot looks super rad as well!

Rick Makes a New Friend at Target

I had to make a quick stop at Target last week to buy some chapstick and vitamins. I park my car and begin quickly walking towards the store (for it was cold outside) when this random man, fairly young and pretty fit, starts talking to me.
“Hey,” he says.
“Uhh, hi.”
“How’s it going?”
“ummmm, not bad”—I begin walking slightly faster.
“Hey, you want to join the army?” he asks enthusiastically. I seriously thought he was messin’ around, until I notice that he was wearing an army hat and had camouflage pants on…so obviously a recruiter. I haven’t been hassled by army recruiters since high school.
I chuckled as I kept walking. “Haa…no.”
“Come on man! They’ll pay your school costs!” He wasn’t going to let this go.
“I just graduated man; sorry, you’re a few years too late.”
“It’s never too late to serve your country!” He continues to follow me as we’re walking into Target.
Now even though I have total respect for lads and chicks who decide to join the army, there’s no way one could ever convince me to join (seriously, try picturing me fighting. No? That’s right, neither can I -- though I’m sure it would make a great sitcom)…and this fantastic feat was certainly not going to happen in a Target parking lot of all places.
At the same time, I honestly felt guilty. To think, he has to ask younger guys in department store parking lots to completely rethink their life goals and leave everything behind to join the army…they must be really fucking desperate for people. And it’s not his fault if at the end of the week he doesn’t get any new recruits, I mean, the guy’s trying.
I tell him “sorry, but no,” one last time, “but good luck,” and I walk in my separate direction. I was hoping that I wouldn’t run into him again in the store, and luckily I was wearing my camouflage Target gear (a red hoodie), so I could blend in with my surroundings and not be spotted.